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Struggling

Tilly28
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The last week has been so hard. My mum is in the final stages of liver cancer and its devastating to see. My mum lives almost 200 miles away and they opted for treatment near their family home so dad has his network of friends to support him and they have been truly amazing. We have travelled over 1000 miles in 4 days to see mum as everyday dad says he thinks it might be today. Anyway we have been at home for the past 2 days to touch base and to give our 2 children aged 8 and 13 a bit of normality. Yesterday the consultant told my mum there is no more chemo and he will try to get her home but we know this wont happen as dad couldn't cope with it and we respect that. Mum is no longer able to feed herself as she is so weak and sleeps  most the day. I'm struggling as when I last left mum she looked awful and I can't get that out if my mind and I feel so guilty as part of me wants to be there but the other part can't cope with it. When we drive home I have several panic attacks as I'm so overwhelmed with emotions and tired. I know this isn't about me but I'm trying to protect my children and myself from the heartache of what awaits us. My mum is my best friend and I can't imagine a world without mum in it. Dad says she's doesnt know he's there. We are going to see mum on Friday and I'm scared this will be the last time as my children go back to school on  Tuesday and we won't be able to go until the following week. I feel so guilty. Do you know when it's right to say goodbye?

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    Hi Tilly .... I have responded to you before and summise by this new thread that you have all resolved your family arguments which is great news.  It is a dreadfully sad situation for your Mum and family and there is no-one who can really advise you what you should do - you must go with your gut-feeling and follow your instincts.

    All I would say is that - if you are trying to protect your children and you mentioned  before that your partner is finding this whole situation very trying - would it maybe be wise to leave your partner at home with the children and may be rope in a couple of trusted friends to help him (I seem to remember you saying your son had health difficulties)?  That would give you a few days to sit and just concentrate on being with your Mum and supporting your Dad.  It would help you to stop feeling 'torn' and your family could relax away from the trauma of longhaul travelling and hospitals. 

    Although not quite as far down the road, I am in the same situation as your Mum, and to be honest I am not sure I would want my such young  grandchildren to see me at the end of my life - as you say, as an adult you are finding it traumatic and having panic attacks and feeling overwhelmed etc - whatever must this all be like through a child's eyes and seeing you like this too?  I would want to be remembered by my grandkids in a different way - bringing laughter and as the vibrant happy Gran they know and love.   Just a thought from someone in the same boat and looking at things from a Mum's perspective..

    Anyway love - whatever you do is your decision and I hope it can all be as calm and peaceful for you all as possible.  Sadly this disease is not an easy one to deal with for any of the family and I hope you can all help and support each other as much as possible.  There are many people on the forum who have been with a loved one as they leave this earth and I hope someone will come along to talk to you and help you through very soon.  I am the one dying in our family so am probably not of any help as I see things from a different angle - or maybe thats good, who knows.......

    Take great care and keep safe x

  • Offline in reply to max56

    Hi Max56,

    thank you for your replies I'm all over the place at the moment. I'm going to go tomorrow for the day and we are going to take turns in the hospital if we feel mum is too poorly for the boys to see. I can't leave my boys with anyone else as my mum was the only person I trusted to look after my boys and they have never been left with anyone else. I will have to drive back at night as my dad says we can't stay as he is going out with friends! And my brother is going to a party! I'm hoping to have a lovely couple of hours with mum and I'm going to let mum know she will be ok and I will be ok it will be the hardest thing I have ever done but she needs to know so she can find peace. I'm still keeping a glimmer of hope she might find a bit of inner strength to stay a bit longer as I am never going to give up hope x 

  • Offline in reply to Tilly28

    So glad you will see your Mum tomorrow Tilly - and like I say - all decisions are yours and only yours.  It will fantastic that you are with Mum alone even if for just a few hours.  It will be so hard to say all the things you want but you will feel so relieved that you have.  My children and I have had many heart to hearts about cancer and living with it as the patient, or the family.  However, like you, I dread the day I need to hug my child to say goodbye and tell them how much I love them.  We try to tell each other how lucky we are to still have each other and never actually say how scared and frightened we are to lose each other.  It will come and is written in many letters if for some reason I dont get the opportunity.

    You are a brave and loving daughter Tilly, just remember that, and I hope this can all go as well as it possibly can.

    Have a good journey and a lovely hug with your Mum and Dad x

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