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Partner of cancer patient

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my husband and I have been married for 28 years. This year he has relapse Melanoma on his back, now in his bladder and liver. 

He has been very quiet ans secretive this time around and telling me to leave him alone. He will not let me go to any doctor appointments with him. If I tell him I feel shut out or alone he says "this is not about you" This is not my husband at all. We are not getting along and should be close and I want to be there for him. I feel stress from family and others to make him talk to me but it is not that easy.

I am at a loss as what to do. Any words would be welcomed

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    It's difficult I can see. People deal with things like this differently - My wife was very open about her cancer - when she lost her hair she would walk bald headded in the street with outrateous earrings - it was the way she was and while I was there for her and was involved in her treatment right through to the end I think she was only ever fully open with another friend with very serious cancer.

    My advice is don't push it - see if you can find a way for him to find this forum or the McMillan one or similar - he may also only feel comfortable talking about it to people in the same boat.

    He may be dealing with it by shutting it out and not thinking about it - denial works for some people and by asking him to talk about it you are making him think about it and confront it which maybe he doesn't want to do - at least not yet.

    Are these female friends telling you to make him talk about it? Remember often we men don't like dealing with things by sharing lots of strong emotions especially if they are painful and scarey.

    I'm guessing the best way you can be there for him is to try to find things you can do to help take his mind off of it - when he wants to talk about it he will - it may not even be with you and that's OK.

    Being there for someone means on their terms not in the way that you or anyone else thinks is best

    I know that's tough on you I'd have found it really difficult in that position and I don't know that I'd have been up to heeding my own advice.

     

    Best of Luck

      

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    Hi and welcome to the forum though sorry for the reason you find yourself here.

    When my husband was diagnosed with cancer he felt the only way to cope was to not talk about it with anyone and requested that we did not discuss it unless absolutely necessary. He eventually allowed me to attend appointments with him so I could hear first hand what was happening to him (his diagnosis was terminal cancer from the outset) and I could then let family and friends know how his illness was progressing. His illness took him away after nearly three years and I tried my best to allow him his dignity by following his wishes although I personally found it hurtful and frustrating that he turned away from me.  This was not about how I felt, it was the only way he could deal with the emotional fallout that the cancer caused within him. It was only after his death that his GP told me how he appreciated my understanding in that I allowed him to deal with it in his own way at his own pace.  It definitely was not at all easy but  I did my best  and I am pretty sure he would have listened to my wishesif the rolls had  been reversed.

    It may be that you will, as Graham has suggested, need to take a step back, tell him that you are there for him when he feels able share with you and hopefully if you explain to family and friends that your husband needs time and some privacy to come to terms will his current diagnosis they will show both of  you some understanding and individual support.

    I found this forum a fantastic support and as I approach the anniversary of his death fully appreciate the time others took/still take to listen to me.  Do come back and chat if you would like to offload - somehow it just helps to  be able to let it out.  Regards Jules54

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