I don't know where else to go so I was hoping this might be a good place to start. I'm Sarah and I am from the North East of Scotland in Aberdeenshire. I am 29 years old and have two brothers aged 26 and 23. My mum originally was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010, by the time it was treated it was stage 3. It is triple negative. She beat it in 2011 and this was great. Then in late 2013 she developed a huge swelling on her sternum and in January 2014 she was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer. I was in denial and thought she'd be cured again, it took me 6 months to realise this wasn't the case. Recently in September we were told she only has one chemo option left. This completely rocked us. My mum is now at the stage of not being able to walk as she now has cancer in one knee and hip, I took her Christmas shopping yesterday and pushed her around in a wheelchair all day. I am struggling to cope. I kept catching myself trying not to cry in front of her. She is such a lovely lady, I know I am biased because she is my mum but she would do anything for anyone and is just so lovely and kind. She is my best friend. She bought a long necklace and it hung low and her skin on her chest is dark purple and even weeping where the cancer is coming to the surface. She says she feels like an alien and ugly. I told her she is so beautiful to me. It's hard to watch her struggling like this. I noticed yesterday her mouth is permanently turned down at the corners and I think it is because she is so sad. She is 51, she absolutely loves life, simple pleasures like gardening, walking her dog, drinking tea with friends. She desperately wants to live and I don't think she'll ever be ready to say enough is enough and my awful fear is having that decision taken from our hands. I'm terrified. It's having such an effect on the family. My dad is signed off with stress, I am signed off with depression, I am also at uni and I think I have just failed my final exams. I don't want to come home because I find the tension in the air awful but then at the same time I feel tremendous guilt because I don't want my mum to sense this - I know she does. My brother walks out the room regularly for the same reasons because the phone is ringing constantly and we keep having to repeat the same stories over and over again. Even our pet dog is suffering from anxiety. He is my mums dog and is very attached to her and he knows there's something wrong with her. The whole situation is just awful. Currently my mum is on no treatment. She was supposed to be going on a trial but because she can't walk she really needs radiotherapy and then can't start trial for 2 weeks after this. We feel she needs treatment now but everything takes so long to get started and this is with help from Macmillan nurses who have been super, emails from them, her gp and her breast care nurse and still we are waiting for treatment. We are going to see her oncologist on Monday and I am terrified of what he is going to say. I am just really struggling on a day to day basis with seeing my mum in so much pain and also the fear she feels. It's simply awful and I feel like I will never be truly happy again. I don't really know what I am hoping to gain by writing this but even just writing it makes me feel slightly better. If anyone reads this and responds I will be very grateful. Sarah...
