Hi Jules. It's lovely that you will be surrounded by family over the festive season ooh the back to work on bank holiday doesn't sound too good. I have nearly two week off. I have a few plans over the two week. Christmas Day with family as I've mentioned off to see the in laws in Lowestoft for a couple of days I'm from Yorkshire so will be nice to have a long drive etc. Gonna take eldest step daughter her husband and two grand daughters with me so really looking forward to that. My mum has an open house one day planned and a party at my brothers. I'm becoming quite a socialite ha ha. Got New Years eve to plan yet thinking nice quiet one at moment. I keep thinking I'm doing really well then bang I have an episode. One happened today while taking my mum to tesco. As we walked in there was a school choir singing carols. I was ok listening then just got overcome with emotion and had to walk out so yeah we will both be going on a bit of an emotional ride over next few week. Been wondering if Mandy has got her cooker problem solved. I hope so now I'm a socialiser will throw a Mandy got her new cooker party for her he he. Oh well nice to hear from you Jules I really appreciate yours and Mandy's messages so thank you. I

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Hey Deano,

As you can see I have a cooker!!!!  So I will now need a "Mandy has at long last got a cooker party".  However if you look closely one of the knobs is missing.  The one to the gas oven was wrong and so they sent me one which I got today and cooked sausage tray bake in my new oven, oh joy.  Something obviously had to go wrong, and I kept looking at the control and just couldn't get it lol. Anyway sorted now.  So I'll have the ham at my party instead . Spent a good hour this evening with Chris sat on chair offering advice on making it Milo dog safe. He bit through the fridge freezer cable the week Chris first went into hospital.  Chris tried to make it safe himself, but he couldn't, he doesn't feel he has the mental or physical capabilities now. That is so sad as he has been a bricklayer all his working life, and a site manager for the last 2 years. He even built a huge brick shed in our back garden and a loft conversion in our house.  It really knocked him that he couldn't make it milo proof. The new norm I guess......

I did go out last night with the girls from work and had a nice time.  However, Will was awake when I got home about 2215, as he was so worried about me and sent messages to my iPad which was at home, asking me to come home.  I realise he is feeling so insecure, he knows he will loose his dad, so the thought of loosing me too is unbearable.  I think it'll be a while before I go out again.  Will said if I did I'm to phone home every hour, which is fine unless he's asleep.  He's only 10 and we are very close indeed.  Glad to see you've got lots planned over your 2 week break.  My mum is coming over Christmas Day, now I have a cooker lol, so that'll be good but hard work I realise.  But I'll do my best to stay calm.  

Got oncologist appt next week, for more chemo I think. Had bloods done today.  

Well, looking forward to the ham, you've made it sound so good.  I'll just pretend I cooked it haha. Hear from you soon if you can fit me in round your socialising.  Seriously though glad you seem to be holding up. Music always does mess with the emotions.  When my dad was ill with cancer in 2002, the cancer advert used Eva Cassidy Fields of Gold, and even to this day it chokes me up as it reminds me of a sad period of my life.  So I hope you have a good week and thank you for being here for me xxx

Hi Jules,  

Thank you for crossing everything for me, it obviously worked cos you can see I got my cooker at last!!!  And I've used it as you'll see in my post to Deano.  They did struggle to get it in, and in the end lifted it over the work surface to get it in, which they're not supposed to do but they could see I was a desperate woman. I refused to let them leave til I had my cooker lol.  I wish now I'd gone for a 100 wide cooker but would they have got it in? Who knows.  I have a cooker and that's all that matters.  

I did go out, wasn't going to, but glad I did.  But you'll see from what I said to Deano, that Will got in a pickle.    That obviously upset me but I can see why he did. So if I do go out again, I'll phone home lots.  Didn't drink sadly, due to my allergy to alcohol lol.  But I had a nice time chatting and laughing.  Got Macmillan coming tomorrow and also taking chris to see Will's Xmas concert where he will be playing guitar.  Got to use wheelchair which chris hates but it's too far for him to walk as he is now.  

Well, I hope you continue to enjoy the festivities and take lots of care, big hugs Mandy xx

Your cooker looks lovely Mandy. I now have vol au vaunts and quiche in mine ready for your new cooker party along with ham cheese and potted beef sandwiches and cheese and pineapple on sticks. Nothing too posh eh. On a serious note it is one thing less to worry about. Glad you enjoyed yourself with your work mates. It's a shame your son felt worried but at his age and with everything that is going on it is understandable poor lad. As Alis illness developed she found it harder to do things with her ha ds and walking became difficult. It was heartbreaking to witness it. We had a wheelchair for her and we both hated it but it was a godsend when we needed it. I'm hoping things improve with Chris and life becomes that little bit easier and bearable for you. Ali had bad spells and was in hospital a few times during the year she lived with her illness then bounced back a little so keep hoping and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Anyway back to work I'm on nights so walking about like a Zombie had 3 hours sleep yesterday. Nothing new for me. Anyway take care and stay strong bye for now X 

Morning Deano, hope you sleep better today, xx

Wow, Mandy, that is some cooker - have never had one that large!!! So pleased that you have at least that problem ticked off your list now and that you can rest easy that your Christmas meals will be saved. Have to say though that Deano's 'party menu is very tempting.

Glad that you managed your social time with your work mates and even though Will was perhaps understandably nervous about your absence it will have done you some good to have some light relief. You will also be able to re-assure Will as and when you need to go out in that you can set up times to call him.  Perhaps he has a school friend he could have a 'sleepover' with as a treat for coping so well. My grandson had a few more of these during my hubby's illness which meant my daughter could keep me company whilst her husband was at work(sadly we could not really have him overnight with us as much as we had before).

My  hubby struggled mentally with not being able to work (he had always been a workaholic) and received treatment for depression (to be honest he would try anything to  help alleviate symptoms).  However, he refused a wheelchair and eventually became housebound and spent his days in front of the tv or sleeping a great deal - his way of switching off.

Hope you have a good chat with MacMillan Nurse and remember to share all your concerns no matter how small they may seem. That support is invaluable.

Visited my Mum at her care home yesterday but she spent most of the time sleeping bless her.  I will go down next week and take her gifts in.  They had the local school going in yesterday afternoon for carols and have several events leading up the Christmas and New Year (sadly my Mum rarely wants to take part (she has never really enjoyed Christmas for as long as I can remember).  Those that wanted to go were taken to London to see the lights as part of the program of events.  The staff take so much effort in giving them as happy a time as they can.

In to work today and no doubt being kept busy (it helps).  Have a very good friend having surgery for skin cancer today so my thoughts are with him (and his wife as she plays the waiting game). Not much more for me to do pre Christmas now as decorations up, non perishables bought and just routine housework to keep me going (such joy!!!).

Hope you all enjoy the Concert and can imagine how proud you will  both feel whilst watching Will playing - enjoy.  Chat soon, take care. Hugs, Jules x

Hi Deano.

Working in retail you get used to working the bank holidays (we share them out between us) and it means I get a day in lieu when I would like it.  After three days of socialising I am sure I will be happy to have something to do ha ha.  My son and his fiancee have a two week break as they work at the local University but my son in law will just be the same as me.  Mind you as I currently only work around 16 hrs a week it's not too much of a hardship (am trying to cut another morning so that the tax man does not get his grips into me now that I get a pension though  my Manager is a little reluctant!!).

Sounds like  you will be kept busy socially over the festive season and it's nice to have the company though I still like some time to myself so I can do normal stuff like shopping and gym visits.

I see in your post to Mandy that you are currently on nights and no doubt having to make do with erratic sleeping patterns.  Never an easy adjustment.  Having said that I still seem to be struggling with getting a full nights kip even after nearly a year.  It's like I am still waking to 'check things are okay'.  Thankfully I appear to be able to cope with short nights and have not yet given in to afternoon naps ha ha.

Take care of  yourself.  Jules x

Hi Jules I can totally relate to the waking up at intervals in the night to check if everything is ok. I do it regular myself. Think it just becomes a habit that's hard to break as when your asleep your mind is still switched on to caring mode if that makes sense. I'm hoping to have a little time on my own over the festive period of nothing else just to reflect on the past year and maybe have time to have some deep thinking time to dedicate to Allison. I think about her all the time as I'm sure you do about your husband but think I just need some time to grasp what has gone off over the year as when I look back I just can't believe how we both coped and got through it all. Saying that I'd gladly do it all again for years to have her back with me. Was talking to my dad today he lost his wife around 12  years ago to a brain tumour and always spends Christmas alone. ( his decision) he was saying he just likes to sit and think all day and reflect which now I can relate to instead of thinking he being anti social  oh well time to get ready for work I'll stop eabbiting on. Bye for now take care Jules  X

Morning Deano,

It's good to  know I am not alone in my way of thinking.  I think quiet reflection is a very necessary part of my life now as I have slowly 'grown' in my acceptance as to how my life changed.  Possibly because hubby's  diagnosis was terminal from day one, I find I grieve for what I have lost but after his three years of illness there was some release in the knowledge that he could suffer no more.

My Mum was much like your Dad when she lost her husband (my Dad) nearly 9 years ago now.  She always preferred to have Christmas alone (actually even when he was alive they stayed as a couple during the festivities with me invited to visit just before or after the event).  It is always best to honour people's wishes as that is obviously what is right for them.

I have a new star on the top of the Christmas tree and the candles will be burning bright but I feel so well supported within my small family unit and being a part of this forum has in no small way encouraged me forward.  As to the 'coping' somehow we all manage that in some way and at times I still wonder  how! I will have Christmas Eve evening to myself plus first thing Christmas Day and then join the family which will, I am sure, be full of both old and new memories.

Hope the night shifts not leaving you too 'cream crackered' and that plans for 'Mandy's virtual cooker party' are in full swing .  Take care  Jules x