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Supporting partner through his mum's secondary breast cancer

Elle1983
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Hi all,

Hope I'm posting in the right place! And also sorry for the long and waffley message you're about to read!

My partner’s mum has breast cancer that has spread to her bones. I don’t know how long she’s known about it as she only told him last week. He recently came back from working abroad for a few weeks, and she said she didn't tell him so he didn't worry while he was away.

I’ve told my partner that I’m here whenever he needs me, but he hasn’t said much about it. I don’t know if he’s aware that this is something that can be treated, but it won’t go away. I’m not sure his family have told him everything. He’s been his usual upbeat self, but maybe that’s because it hasn’t sunk in yet. I'm trying not to pry too much for fear of upsetting him, but when I've asked general things about his mum he changes the subject straight away. He is the sweetest, most thoughtful person and also the most sensitive. I know just how much this is going to hurt him, and how hard he is going to find it.

I also feel in a bit of a difficult situation. I want his mum and the rest of his family to know I’m here if they need any help and support, but from the beginning of our relationship his mum has always been incredibly frosty with me. I stopped going with him to visit his parents months ago because she wouldn’t speak to me (not even a "hello") and made me feel very unwelcome. I want to be able to help, but don’t know how. According to my partner, his mum has fallen out with a lot of her family, so I’m very conscious of the trouble I could cause if I do something that would upset her. I don’t want to do the wrong thing by anybody.

Has anyone had experience of supporting someone through this?

Elle.x

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    Hi Elle,

    Welcome to Cancer Chat. I am replying for my mother had breast cancer about ten years ago and I lost her over nine years ago. My wife was an incredible help to me during this painful time. Having been a member of this forum for three and a half years, I know when cancer strikes a family, a lot of people dont like talking about it to other family members for fear of increasing their worry. But not talking about their feelings openly and honestly often has the opposite affect and does increase their loved ones worry for they feel excluded and left out. Men are particulary bad at talking at times like this and tend to try and hide their inner feelings so I do understand how your feeling. He is probably trying in his own way to protect you. 

    It sound like your are in a difficult situation with his family who may think you dont care if you dont offer to help but may also react badly if you do. The only thing I can suggest is you try and have a heart to heart with your partner and tell him how you feel.

    Wishing you all the best and please let us know how you get on. Kind regards, Brian

  • Offline in reply to woodworm

    Hi Brian,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I can see from your number of posts that you've obviously helped a lot of people who've been affected by cancer. That's amazing :)

    Thanks for the advice too. It is a difficult situation.I will let you know how I get on.

    Elle.x

  • Offline in reply to Elle1983

    Hi Elle,

    Thanks for your kind words. I have lost several close femail relative to cancer over the years plus my father who lives in Canada has had his prostate cancer return after tweny or so years. My brother in law has also got it quite bad and I have also had and recovered from it myself. So I know what it's like from both perspectives and why I do what little I can to support others.

    Wishing you all the best, Brian.

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