Dear Alexandra

I'm so sorry that your dad is so poorly with this awful disease and it must be so difficult for you having to cope with such a distance between you and your family.

Please don't be too hard on your mum. She is angry and upset and hurting and who can she direct her anger at? Your dad. :( I hope that once her shock has abated she will realise that there is no point blaming anyone. This has happened and it's time to get on with dealing with it. 

Personally, I've gone the other way and I blame myself for not nagging my husband to quit smoking! It should also be remembered that not all lung cancers are a direct result of smoking. (My husbands oncologist says his cancer isn't strongly associated with smoking and is just 'bad luck' )  

Lung cancer sufferers get really bad press and are stigmatised  in my opinion. It's all to easy to say well they brought it on themselves  but we should remember that until recently smoking was very acceptable.  Nicotine is a drug and we should be more sympathetic to people who are addicted to it.  

Perhaps it would be helpful for you to talk to somebody about your feelings and how you are relating to your mum right now? Macmillan can perhaps help you with that or point you in the direction of somewhere that can. 

I do hope you are able to maintain a relationship with your mum and help your dad during this horrible time.

Sending you hugs

Netty x

Dear Netty,

Thank you so much for your reply, it was wonderful to wake up to it. You are right and I do try not to be to hard on my mother. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things and I should just accept hers. I guess we are all different and have different views.

Your are right about smoking... Everyone is very quick to judge yet up and until a few years ago it was still ok to smoke inside, especially in Spain. 

I do hope your husband is ok and you are both coping with this terrible dissease. It's very difficult. What I can say to you is that it is very easy for your to blame yourself for not "nagging" your husband more to give up but smoking is such a personal thing. Giving up is someone one needs to do for themselves and it doesn't matter how many times people tell you, you don't listen, its an addiction and you won't give up unless you really really want to or are ready. I am so happy that I am smoke free, its really given me so much freedom and health...

Perhaps I should try to talk to Macmillan, I have gone as far as saving the number in my phone, I just need to dial it now.

All the best to you and your husband Netty and thank you once more for all your support and kind words.

x

Hi Alexandra

It's great to see you have already received a warm welcome!

You could call our specialist nurses if you feel you would like to talk to someone about what is happening with your mother and father.

You can call them Monday-Friday, 9am to 5pm on 0808 800 4040. Calls are free from landlines and most mobile phones.

You can also post in our Ask The Nurses section if you would like the team to respond to you there.

Best wishes

Jane