Hi everyone. How are you all?

Sorry I haven't had much time to get on here, just things around the house and things to sort out.. I still feel much the same, sometimes struggle to comprehend she is actually gone.. It's hard to believe she was even here sometimes... Then I feel bad for thinking this?

Back to work next week. Quite worried about it as I have been off for a few weeks now..

How have you all been? Anything new with you guys? Gaff I hope everything is okay for you

xxxx

Good morning Candy,

First of all don't feel bad for finding it hard to believe your Mum was ever here, that is a perfectly normal reaction to be added to the other reactions and emotions you are trying to cope with at the moment.  As I said before, don't try and rush anything just let yourself grieve and cope in your own way and in your own time.

Thanks for asking and things are more or less o.k. right now.  I have been spending the weekend fitting new doors in my house so that I don't have to do it during my time off work which starts in a week.  I am looking forward to a couple of weeks of doing almost nothing except watching t.v. walking and more importantly playing golf.  Work has been so busy and stressful these last few months I really can't wait to take a break.  Speaking of work, good luck with your return next week and I understand how much you must be dreading it.  Will your boss and colleagues break you back in gently or will you be made to work harder to make up for your time off?  I hope they are understanding and can give you a bit of support, at least for a while.

Heading off now to buy new handles for our doors and get them fitted before watching the rugby later on.

Take care Candy and please come back to say how you get on back at work.

Thoughts and hugs - Garf. xxx

Hi Garf. Sorry to let you down but sadly I'm having a rubbish time today. Been a stressful day and feeling upset tonight.. Been having a little cry!

I just miss her so much and feel so angry her last months of life were spent in pain! I hate cancer so much no one should need to deal with it!

Haha that is a funny story about your dad

Sorry such a terrible reply but feeling really sad

xxxx

Sorry to take so long with this Candy but I have been so busy trying to sort stuff out at work in time for my holiday and also work on my doors at home I haven't touched my computer until now.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so low again but it is to be expected.  It is fine to be angry at cancer for what it did to your Mum as I feel exactly the same for what it did to my Dad and several others.  I am not a religious person but even so I look on cancer as pure evil and something that could be the work of the devil.  It certainly seems to pick on the good people of the world and leave the cruel and heartless people alone.  

I wish I could do something more to help you because I know exactly what you are feeling but all I can offer is the virtual ear and shoulder of someone who understands. If you want to cry then cry, if you want to be angry then be angry but it would be good if you had something to release that anger on, even if you could be at home alone and throw a few punches at your couch.  I have done that a couple of times when I have been at home on my own and it has helped.

Look after yourself Candy and please let me know how you are doing or ask any questions that you think I may be able to answer.

All the very best to you.

Garf. xxxx

Hi Garf! Today will be the start of your week off.. Are you excited?! I know i would be !

Thank you, i think Friday was just another down day.. It comes and goes as i am sure you will know! My boyfriend must think im crazy lol.. One minute im crying the next im laughing my head off lol! But i know he understands and just leaves me to it! Im finding recently that images will just pop into my head of times i seen mum in pain, or getting injections by the nurses and being hurt.. And it makes me really sad, i hate that i will be stuck with these images forever!

One horrible image is of the day she died.. Im not sure if i told you all this but we were all actually with her when she passed away..And i just keep remembering how horrible it was. Hours of her struggling for breath with us all around her, eventually the nurses gave her a sedative (i think im not sure exactly what it was) which was to help ease it a bit as she would've been hurting gasping for that much breath.. All this was bad enough but then the nurse in the room with us noticed she had a tear which rolled down her cheek just after this she took her last breath.. This memory haunts me as i feel she was crying because she knew she was going

Sorry getting upset recalling this lol! You are doing loads to help me dont worry about that.. Its great to have someone to talk to

xxxxxxxx

Good morning Candy,

It is not surprising that you are being haunted by those images of your Mum during her last hours and minutes and at least in this respect I don't know what that is like because Dad died before I could get to North Wales to say goodbye.  My sister was with him at the end and I intend to speak to her about it when I visit in July but she did phone me one evening a few weeks after he died.  She was really upset and said that she felt really guilty for leaving him behind in the room after he had died.  These memeories must be so difficult to cope with but I have no doubt that, although they will always be with you they will eventually be replaced with happy memories.   My wife was with her grandmother when she passed away a few years ago but the memories of those final moments rarely come to her now.  It also seems like your boyfriend is still giving you exactly the support you need and fair play to him for that.

Yes I am excited about my time off but it always takes me a day or two to get my head out of work mode because I worry if there is something I have forgotten to do before leaving.  I am sure a game of golf will soon cure me of that though.

Wishing you the best as always.

Garf. xxx

Evening Garf

I understand what your sister means when she said she felt guilty about leaving your dad behind. I also felt the same, although I must admit I did feel strange sitting in the room with my mum when she had passed away. After she had passed the nurses asked us to step out the room so they could do one final care. When we returned they had changed her and put a teddy we had bought her next to her along with a flower.. It was a nice gesture but I have to say I found it all hard to take. And i haven't told anyone this but when I had a minute alone with her I actually gave her hand a little shake and squeeze expecting her to wake up I just hate this all I wish she was still here, I miss her so much :(!!!!

Hi Candy,

Just a quick message to see how you are doing today.

Sgueezing your Mum's hand and hoping that she wakes up sounds like a perfectly normal thing to me.

Sorry this is so short but something has just turned up and I have to go.

Take care.

Garf. xxxxx

Hi

I must say I am having another bad night, been pretty upset again.. Just letting everything get to me! Thank you for checking in on me

Hope everything is ok and you haven't had to rush off due to anything serious, talk soon

xxxx

Sorry about that Candy and no it wasn't for anything serious.

You say you are letting everything get to you and I'm afraid that it will for quite a while yet as the loss of your Mum is still very much an open wound and extremely painful.  For several weeks after Dad died I would actually talk to him and ask him questions about something completely ordinary that had or was happening at the time and I could hear his voice in my head answer me.  Obviously I only did this when I was on my own but it gave me some comfort while the pain was still very raw.  Also I will be talking to someone or respond to a question and when I answer it comes out in Dad's voice.  I really like it when that happens because it lets me know what would have been going through his mind when remembering him say the same words.  I hope that makes sense.

Listen out for your Mum as you go through the everyday things and I hope you will hear her more often than you may think. I am also part way through something to help me deal with losing Dad but I will explain that later.

Hugs to you and a virtual handshake to your boyfriend for the support he has given you.

Garf. xxx

Morning Garf, no worries!

I am feeling a little better today thankfully but i know it will be up and down for quite a while. Im sorry but i had a wee chuckle there when you said obviously you only did that when alone lol, i can imagine you doing it in public and getting some strange looks ha! Wow thats an unusual thing to happen, i hope i experience stuff like that!

For me right now the pain i am feeling is more down to imagining what mum went through and her dealing with it on her own rather than pain from actually missing her (which i of course do). Like i have said before she was very independent and never asked for help so she dealt with much of it on her own and im finding this hard to get over, keep beating myself up wishing i had been there more! I look forward to hearing about what you are half way through!

Thank you, hugs to you and your family!

xxxxxx

Hi Candy,

Just reading your thread and felt the need to jump in on your latest conversation with Garf.  Candy all your feelings are entirely normal; for ages I kept beating myself up about could I have done more, did I make right decisions etc, I have cried and cried over this many times.  However I have come to realise that I did everything I possibly could given the circumstances that I found myself in and I'm sure you did the same.  There are so many waves of emotion going through this grief journey and it continues for a long time.  Wishing you strength, make the most of the better days and when you have a bad day remember there will be another better one.  Hope x

Hi Candy,

Just reading your thread and felt the need to jump in on your latest conversation with Garf.  Candy all your feelings are entirely normal; for ages I kept beating myself up about could I have done more, did I make right decisions etc, I have cried and cried over this many times.  However I have come to realise that I did everything I possibly could given the circumstances that I found myself in and I'm sure you did the same.  There are so many waves of emotion going through this grief journey and it continues for a long time.  Wishing you strength, make the most of the better days and when you have a bad day remember there will be another better one.  Hope x