Morning Jules,

Was just wondering how you got on when you visited your Mum this week, and also how your daughter got on at hospital?  I do hope things are not too stressful for you and that you can try and have a relaxing weekend.

I'm waiting for my eldest to come home, he has spent somewhat of Freshers sleeping on fellow pupils floors after social events - latest was a toga party last night!  I'm off to my counsellor this morning, had originally been thinking I wouldn't need to see her for too much longer but have been so emotional this week so will talk things over with her.

The weather is forecast to be nice this weekend but is looking a bit gloomy at present.  Here's hoping it brightens up and the sun shines on us all.  Take care  Hope x

Hi Hope

Hope you visit to the counsellor was helpful and its good for you to be able to talk things through and this should last as long as you need it.

I have just returned from visiting Mum and she was ok though I am sure a little concerned at how long she will be able to stay where she.  She has amazed the staff at how forthright she was when social worker 'interviewed' her and they are left in no doubt as to what she wants. All the care staff came to see me whilst I was visiting to make sure I was okay too - very sweet.  I stayed until she was due to go into lunch and we even managed a bit of a laugh when I showed her latest photos of her great grandson.  He has really enjoyed his first week in Reception and keeps telling his mum that his teacher is the most beautiful one in the school!!

Hubby and I picked him up from school on Friday as my daughter had to return to hospital for a second day of tests and monitoring.  Specialist blood tests with regard to her liver function have been sent off and unless she hears otherwise she returns to clinic next Friday.  The last set of bloods were borderline but all readings for the baby were good.  If the new blood tests show certain 'rises' she may have to be taken in and possibly induced (she is now 37 weeks and would probably welcome is being over and done with!!).  Anyway so far so good.  I have an overnight bag ready and waiting and she has several friends on standby to get her to the hospital if her hubby is at work.  Mind you she is still driving herself at present!!

When we met our grandson at school (its only 10mins to his home) he told Grandad that he could meet us there as it was healthier to walk!!!  My hubby's face was a picture as he drove off and I walked the little tyke home!!

Life's stresses seem to come and go but having the forum to offload certainly helped me to see things in perspective this week though I think my mood swings are more due to hormones than current circumstances.

Sounds like your eldest having a great time during Freshers but will no doubt be looking forward to some home cooking.  Have a great weekend with the family and will catch up again soon.  All the best and look after yourself. Jules xx

Hi Jules,

How are you?  I was reading on another post that things have been difficult with your Mum lately and that she prefers to shut herself away.  It must be so difficult for you to cope knowing that whatever you do doesn't really have a big impact.  Also read that hubby's attitude is unchanged and that he has been sleeping a lot.  Jules you have such a lot on your plate unyet you still offer everybody support.  Thanks for your recent kind words to me, I have found that people on this site are the only ones who truly understand the many feelings this terrible disease brings to all involved.  I have been so low and grumpy of late and I think even my hubby is losing patience with me; I just want to curl up in my own little world at the moment and try to heal.  I'm sure you must feel like that sometimes too.  Anyway onwards and upwards, work was OK and I'm on a mission to get the house sold now so hopefully things will improve.  Thinking of you as always.  Take care.  Hope x

Hi Brian,  Love the owl photos, they brought a smile to my face.  Hope x

Hi Woody I am into pictures in a big way how did you post those owls they are great  i have just tried with out sucess sorry jules but I wanted to post a picture for you good news take care

Hi George,

If you click on the camera icon in the bar above, then go to the folder where your picture is. Click on the picture you want to post and then click on open followed by Insert Picture  and it should appear where the curser is. You may need to make the picture smaller size. Hope this helps.

Best wishes, Brian

Morning Hope

You know you hit the nail on the head when you say you want to be alone and heal.  You absolutely know that your husband will be there for you (I very much doubt he has lost patience, its just that he probably feels helpless in knowing how to  react without saying the wrong thing and is just wanting to protect you from hurting).  I recognise the need for 'alone time'and think a lot of that feeling stems from being an only child when I used to spend may hours by myself (from choice I might add).  I have always enjoyed time alone (but also love being with family and friends) and its trying to get that now without feeling I am being selfish that sometimes makes things strained(think thats only my way of thinking!!).  Hubby is quite used to me going off for walks (this has nothing to do with his illness as I have always walked for pleasure (perhaps because I have never driven) and it was very much a pattern of my childhood which I continued and also spent many hours taking our children for walks (its free, relaxing and pleasurable). Life takes many turns and I am learning all the time how to try and adjust to what is happening.

As to being part of this forum, personally I am so pleased I found somewhere to 'run and hide' but ultimately have learnt a great deal about myself and by being able to share with 'strangers', who have (somewhat sadly) understanding, in return gives me hope that I will make it through our journey.  I just wish hubby could find a way of sharing as its the hardest part of my life watching him look so 'lost'.

Please Hope do not think of  yourself as 'grumpy'.  The emotional strain of what you have been, and are still going through, is one of the hardest things we face and despite it all you are here chatting and offering support.  I for one am more than pleased to have you around.  Take care and  be kind to yourself - small steps as Beryl would rightly say.  Big hugs  Jules xx

Hi Hope

Well just spent some time replying to your post only to have the computer freeze and so will now try again and hope to get to the end!!

You are not being grumpy, you are grieving so please do not be hard on yourself.  I am absolutely sure that you realise that your hubby is not really losing patience with you but think maybe he is trying to protect you from hurting but like most people does not have the right words at the right time to make it better. Time does heal but the length of time differs with everyone and so be kind to yourself.  I really related to your comment about needing time alone to heal.  We all need downtime to process our own thoughts and feelings away from other emotional imput.  I have always used walking (by myself when possible) to think things through and actually enjoy these times and would miss them.  I grew up spending much of my time alone (by choice) and love peace and quiet on the one hand or sometimes loud music depending on my mood.  Walking gives me the opportunity to make the most of my surroundings and used this to de-stress even before it became part of our cancer journey.  Because I dont drive and my hubby worked away from home, sometimes many weeks at a time when the children were growing up, I have always walked for pleasure and used to go on long walks with the children and they continue to enjoy walking (either with their children or the dog!!).

There is nothing wrong for wanting 'alone' time but sometimes others do not understand that.  I am verylucky that hubby sees it as 'normal' for me  and though I always ask if he wants to join me he really only used to walk for pleasure when we were on holiday!!

Well, this morning I am off to visit Mum (how soon the week comes round) and once again its damp and dismal outside (no wonder its hard to lift her mood!!).  It takes me around 30mins walk each way and in  my head I can put the world to rights as well as get much  needed exercise.  On the way back I will pick up milk and my Euromillions win ------- £4.40 - not exactly life changing but will give me a free game or two!!

Take care of yourself and as you know your forum buddies understand and respect your emotions so share whenever you want to (this has proved to be an amazing outlet for my journey but I just wish my hubby had found an outlet as the hardest part for me is being unable to help him adapt to his 'retirement' -he just looks so miserable and lost but we do not seem to be able to find a way through and he reminds me so much of how his own Father was when he retired so perhaps its in the genes!!

Big hugs and sending peaceful thoughts.  Jules xx

P.S  Whoops - looks as though computer saved previous message so now you have 'double dose'of Jules - apologies xx

Morning George

It means a lot that you were trying to send me a 'picture post' and hope that 'Woody's' guide helps.  Take care of yourself.  Damp and dismal in my neck of the woods today but off to visit Mum soon so will see if I can lift her spirits.  Jules xx

Good morning Jules,

I have just had some luck this morning re my dented rear. Yesterday I visited a 99p shop and found they had some sink plungers which were very flexible. So I bought one and this morning I tried it on my car and lo and behold, it worked and has pulled 95% of the dent out. It only just left a small mark which when I have more time will try and get that one out too. So well worth the 99 pence. I took Mrs B to see the warfarin nurse this morning and its good news there too as she doesn't have to back for six weeks so feel a big bout of Brianitus could well take place later this morning.

I hope you haven't got too wet going to see your mother this morning and hope she is in talkative mode today. Glad you liked the owl picture. The barn owl Is my wife's favourite owl. Years ago, when I worked at Jewsons (at least I tell people I worked) there was a barn owl who nested right at the top on one of the large timber sheds. Several times of an evening when I was working late, I used to see it flying about in the eight sheds we had. It was flying so silently, almost like watching a ghost.

Hope your husband enjoys his trip into work at the end of the week and hope it lifts his spirits. I notice in your reply to hope you say you love walking. I do too but Mrs B cant go far these days unfortunately.

Take care sending best wishes to you and you husband, hugs from Brian

Hi again Brian

Well  Iam now getting dry (walk to Mums was in teeming rain but walk back was in lovely sunshine) .  She was much the same but did manage to get some answers out of her for the crossword session and she is having her hair done tomorrow.I did my usual chat about what the family has been up to in the last week (must have been boring as she dropped off). Stayed just over an hour and went through her mail with her too.  Back home and hubby is also sleeping (I will soon begin to think its my company affecting everyone) but am sure with him its the medication/cancer and at least if he is sleeping he is peaceful I suppose.

Good news for Mrs B and the warfarin and well done on the 99p fix for the dented car.  You must be really happy with that result and now you have a bit of spare cash to feed that Brianitus - let see - peanuts may be top of the list.  Cashews are my favourite (though very naughty to do not have them very often). I have just treated myself to a 'warm' wholemeal cottage loaf and doubt it will be long before I cut into it!!  Have a good day.  Hugs returned to your and MrsB.Jules xx

Hi Jules,

Thank you for your replies, it is just so good to know people understand.  I think you are so right about being an only child and wanting to sometimes be alone.  I have always had lots of friends and generally enjoy company, but sometimes if you are hurting so much you just prefer your own company. I think you're also right about my hubby, he is good but I think just struggles to understand the depth of my feelings.  Your walking is very good, getting out in the fresh air is a great health pick-up as well as exercise.  How was your Mum today? I hope she was a little more upbeat.  Now tell me Jules what did you spend your lottery winnings on?? Did you opt for a couple of free games or were you tempted by chocolate bars?  I know I would have chosen the latter, can't resist a bit of chocolate!  It must be very difficult for your hubby to accept his forced retirement and even harder for you to see him suffer and feel that you can't get through.  Perhaps he will find a way to adapt eventually, we all adjust to changes differently don't we, and as you say perhaps that's just the way we are as individuals.  I hope your grandchildren continue to help you both lift your spirits, they really must be the best medicine.  Take care and thanks again.  Hope x

Hi Jules,

Thank you for your replies, it is just so good to know people understand.  I think you are so right about being an only child and wanting to sometimes be alone.  I have always had lots of friends and generally enjoy company, but sometimes if you are hurting so much you just prefer your own company. I think you're also right about my hubby, he is good but I think just struggles to understand the depth of my feelings.  Your walking is very good, getting out in the fresh air is a great health pick-up as well as exercise.  How was your Mum today? I hope she was a little more upbeat.  Now tell me Jules what did you spend your lottery winnings on?? Did you opt for a couple of free games or were you tempted by chocolate bars?  I know I would have chosen the latter, can't resist a bit of chocolate!  It must be very difficult for your hubby to accept his forced retirement and even harder for you to see him suffer and feel that you can't get through.  Perhaps he will find a way to adapt eventually, we all adjust to changes differently don't we, and as you say perhaps that's just the way we are as individuals.  I hope your grandchildren continue to help you both lift your spirits, they really must be the best medicine.  Take care and thanks again.  Hope x

Morning Hope

Well, what can I say I cashed in my winning ticket and swapped my profit (ha ha) for two free games. The 40p over went towards a warm wholemeal cottage loaf (worse than a chocolate bar as there is not much left now!!).Hopefully the rushing around at work today will compensate.

Mum was much the same though looks well enough and I must be happy that she is in no physical pain and cause the staff no problems bless her.  What with her dropping off to sleep and hubby's regular dozing perhaps I am more boring that I thought.  Having said that she did show a little interest in her surroundings and even answered a couple of the 'Garden Lounge' crossword clues (I seem to be a regular participant with the residents now!! and we do get a few laughs along the way).  A bit of amusement when I chose to 'help' make way for a wheelchair user and carer by moving one of the residents' walking frame - I got shouted at for trying to 'steal her legs' (she could not see what was coming through because of an apty placed pillar!!) but had to laugh when she realised what I was trying to do - a lighter moment we all enjoyed!!

Glad to read on other thread that your eldest is really enjoying med school and have no doubts he will make a good doctor when the time comes.  It makes you proud to be a parent when you see how well they turn out.What does your younger son hope to do in the future, does he know?

Well had better go an have a quick coffee before I leave for work (need an extra shot of caffeine as last couple of nights have, for some reason, been disturbed and I could do with some matchsticks for my eyes!! Hot flushes having a lot to answer for just now grrrr.

Take care Hope and sending peaceful thoughts and hugs for the coming days.  Jules xx

Evening Jules,

Glad to read you are spending your winnings wisely LOL!  I hope your loved ones are staying awake a little more - your comment about everybody dozing off around you did make me smile, but I'm sure you are not boring them.  It must be comforting to know that your Mum is well looked after and that you can leave her without worrying too much.  I also smiled about the walking frame saga!  Actually I'm feeling a little better today so have smiled quite a bit - strange how one day you can be in immense grief and the next feel different again.  Eldest just did really well in latest exams, so that helps.  My youngest is not too sure of future career but is thinking of structural engineering.  Understand about the disturbed sleep patterns, my sleep hasn't been right for a while - again I blame this grief journey for that one.  Anyway wishing you a peaceful night's sleep tonight.  Take care.  Hope x  PS Love the flower photos everybody is posting you.

Hi Hope

Glad that you had a better day and you are so right about our feelings (no two days seem to be the same and think this is the case about life in general though going through so much just seems to make things far more 'in your face').  I jokingly told my husband about the 'being so bored with me he always drops off when I am home'  (Mum too!!) and he said 'it was not me' (then went back to sleep). Just as well that most days I still maintain a sense of humour. If you liked the 'walking frame sage' how about this one. At work today I had a 40 something ask if our left went back down to the ground floor (we are on the 1st floor). Am I missing something here or are there lifts that only go one way!!  It raised a few smiles I can tell you.  Not sorry this week finished at work - my body feels like its been through a wringer (our escalator has been out of order for some weeks now awaiting a part) so most of the stock movements are up and down two flights of stairs (customers' not too amused if we grab the lift!!).Today (just for fun) I made a note of how many times I did the trip and in my 5 hours I did 16 trips (no wonder I felt hungry and shattered in equal measure when I got  home).Trouble is if I sit for too long now I will seize up.

Hubby still planning on driving tomorrow for a work meeting (100mile min round trip) so suspect he will be cream-crackered by the time he comes home but says he is still off out in the evening for his social night out (manages half a pint and a whisky usually and enjoys watching the karaoke as apparently they have some good singers among the regulars).  The district nurse rang today to check he had everything he needed and he told her he was okay.

Great news about your son's exam. He must be thrilled and hard work pays off and it helps that he obviously loves his chosen path.  Your younger son has plenty of time for decisions.  My son went to uni and studied business management though he did not really know what he wanted as a career.  After a spell 'temping' in office and hotel admin he is now still doing admin but with a team attached to a Research Professor at Brunel Uni and is thoroughly enjoying new challenges.

Well, better stop rambling and get on with the housework (well perhaps another cuppa first).Take care and have a good weekend.  Jules xx