Hi Jules,

Thanks for your post.  Returning to work today was actually a positive for me; as you so rightly say doing "normal" things keeps my mind busy and makes me feel relatively "normal" again (whatever normal is now).  Your Dad's advice certainly was sound advice, we all probably waste too much time worrying over things that we  have no control over, I could really do with taking a leaf out of the Buddist way of thinking which is to live for the moment.  Usually we are so busy worrying about what has happened or what might happen that we forget we are living this moment now.  Listen to me getting all philosophical now!!  Anyway I hope you are coping OK, Brian is quite right about our emotional outbursts being a safety valve, I always feel better after a good cry once I have got to the point of bursting!  Thank goodness for this forum eh.  Take care and wishing you a good week ahead.  Hope x

Hi Hope

Thanks for chatting once again.  It does help to know there are others on the forum that understand because of their own life experiences.  'Coping' is a word that seems to be the new 'normal' and personally feel thats all I do day to day.  My most frustrating times are usually because I am trying to 'read' hubby rather than actually than him 'sharing'.  Yesterday was one of those days and I feel so selfish for wanting it to be different (even though Iknow it cant be).  It was not helped by me slipping on the stairs (trying to avoid switching on the light and missed last two steps!!) at 6 in the morning as  I got up early to go do the launderette (wanted to get it done before visiting Mum). Now sporting  'black and blue' leg/arm/back so a bit stiff!!  Carried on regardless, got back did ironing and was just about to setoff for visit to Mum as hubby got up so got his breakfast first.  Got half way to home when the heavens opened so waited for bus and arrived a bit earlier than normal. Sadly Mum was not really wanting company and after usual hello it was a one way conversation for around 40mins. I feel really sorry for her but know she is being looked after which is my main concern.  After that I spent virtually the whole day in silence at home as hubby slept through a lot of it except amazingly when an old fishing buddy phoned.  He chatted away to him and I learnt that apparently he feels 'much the same' since they last spoke early last year!!!I also learnt that the physio was very pleased with the progress made and he has now been discharged from this area unless he feels the need to go back.  His conversation with his 'once a year' catch up friend left me feeling strangely lonely and out of sorts.I think this is because I can see a completely different picture of my other half in front of me but dont know how to tackle the frustration that it brings.  When I comment about things I get a grunt if I am lucky.  This cancer journey throws up so many questions but having to cope is the only answer there is. 

Sorry this is a miserable ramble (put it down to one of those days!!).  Off to work soon so had best get on with things.

Take care Hope and sending hugs your way.  Jules xx  

Dear Jules,

You sound so low today.  Firstly let me start by saying I really hope you are feeling OK after slipping on the stairs. These things are so easy to do and can cause us a lot of injury; at the very least I expect you are a little shook up which in turn will make however you are feeling even worse.  I can imagine that it was difficult to listen to hubby being more upbeat on the phone with his friend than he is with you.  Trouble is we are always more likely to show how we really feel to our closest, even if that means him not speaking because he is feeling bad.  When friends call we always feel we have to make more effor; it must be very hard for you and I do sympathise.  It is only natural to feel frustrated and even angry, but try not to.  I know I used to sometimes get frustrated with things my Mum did and now she is gone I feel quite bad about certain things; nothing very much and I know we are only human and can't always have the patience of a saint, but what I'm trying to say is "hang on in there" the feelings of frustration will pass and be taken over by love.  Also sorry that your Mum wasn't really wanting company either, that must make you feel worse.  I know like me you are an only child and sometimes that makes us very vulnerable to feeling alone.  I hope you had an OK day at work today and that you can find something to make you a little happier - just think of your wonderful grandsons, that is sure to make you smile.  Take care Jules and speak soon.  Hope x

Thanks so much for responding Hope. In the light of day (it was still dark when I ranted this morning) my moaning sounds awful but you are right, the fall not only hurt (big bruises to prove it)  but got my day off to a rotten start and then it just seemed everything was magnified.  Did not mean to sound sorry for myself but you know how it is when you feel you are stuck in every decreasing circles.  Anyhow, managed to get through my shift at work and bought myself a new umbrella (wind took its toll on the last one!!).  Hubby had his lunch order ready when I got in so we have now eaten and I am sitting down till dinner needs to be readied!!

Tonight my daughter has a BodyShop party (sale night) she is hostessing so I am going to drag myself round there and spend a bit of my Christmas money (it will go further with the sale being on).  The grandchildren will be in bed but you are right about making us smile (oh to be young again!!).The eldest was really pleased to be back at school and moving onto learning more 'three letter' phonics (he is now helping to read his bedtime stories when he recognised words he knows).Baby is thriving and starting to go longer at night.  Am looking after him for a while on Friday morning as daughter has to take the eldest one for hearing test in a 'quiet room' so having a baby with her would not work!!

Thanks for talking some sense into me, I know you are right in all that you say but we would not be human if it got to us from time to time. Hope being back at work is going okay - its good to keep busy and cuts out that thinking time.

Look after yourself. Jules xx

Big hug Jules ... xxx

Thanks  Ian really appreciate them today and the same are

sent your way. xxx Jules

Hugs from me as well. Jules I hope are feeling better. This is such a hard journey we are on and some days are so much harder than others. Xx

Thanks so much for your support. Everyone understands how it can be on this b....... journey but I think having the fall made me a little more sensitive than usual.  In the  greater sheme of things I should not be complaining as my whinge is over something so minor but thats life!!  Spending the evening at my daughters so I can stop thinking about myself and get some switch off time.  Take care of yourself.  Jules xx

Hi Jo

Thanks so much for your response ( I also read more than I respond to as I dont always feel able to help particular situations).  I am so grateful to my forum buddies and as I have said on a couple of my replies think hurting myself just made me more sensitive to whats going on round me (maybe thats a good thing!!).  Luckily the bumps and bruises are covered up by clothes otherwise people might think I had been out-boxed!!  Painkillers working on my back and  no doubt after a few days all well be ok again.  Serves me right for not watching where I was putting my feet (decided the staircase finished two steps too soon).  As they say tomorrow is another day and working through it will no doubt take my mind of it.

How are you keeping at the moment?  Taking good care of yourself I hope. Thanks for the hugs which are returned. Jules xx