Hi Bill

Welcome to the site and don't know about peace but hope you find your feet and the support you need on this journey!!! It must be devastating for you to feel so helpless!! I can understand why you feel broken. You obviously love your daughter very much and I hope you find this site a supportive place you can come and talk about how you and your daughter are doing!!

I can only say that my heart goes out to you and that the more you support yourself and joining this site is a good start - the better able you will be to support your daughter and your family!! You have to look after you too I'm sure you will find your feet!! In our family we have fun nights playing cards or just having dinner- get together and brainstorm about treatment options and help think things through( ten minds better than two or three). But each of us still needs our own support and to manage stress!! Talk about feelings and being aloud to be different to each other in how we are or how we cope.

Don't forget you can ask nurses questions or give them a call especially about the medical side!!

And don't forget Bill our kids are on loan that's all - enjoy the gift as much as you can love her grab hold of the bits of good or happy moments that you can find and hold on to them!! Create as many as you can if you can Hun x Sometimes Bill we can only do the best with the hand we are dealt.

Please keep posting to let us know how u are doing. Will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

Best Wishes Ann

Thank you Mick, Ann, and Max  for all your replies, I really wish I could in all honesty take all your advice and act upon it but without sounding selfish or thinking about my own feelings I have become fully consumed  in grief for Carrie and no matter how I try I canno't think of anything else. My wife Sandra and my sons have and are a godsend on trying to eleviate what has now become I feel depression and anxiety and has said I have no control over it and just feel when Carrie's life comes to an end so will mine in so many ways.

Bill ..........  I wouldnt dream of giving you advice - apart from that I really think that you should tell your GP how you are feeling because maybe some medication could help you cope with things right now. God knows you could do with all the help you can get!!! Wish there was something I could say to take your pain away but so understand your thoughts. Please dont keep them all locked up inside, write them down and post to us if you cant share them with loved ones. Thinking of you. Max x

Max I really appreciate your kind words and would never think anything untowards of  you giving your advice to me. I have tried the anti depression tablets and they made me far far worse and came of them I also declined councilling because in my heart of hearts I truly feel that by talking to my family is as good as it is going to get under the circumstances. When my daughter was born Max she was my prayer answered and my love for her all her life has been totally pleasureable for me she has never done any wrong in my eyes and is 100% my angel, my love for her is unmeasureable as is my family without a shadow of doubt and I know my family will not mind me saying it but Carrie is the favourite. I do feel that the friendships I have made on this site including you Max if you do not mind me saying so have helped me. Thank you. x

Im glad you have gone down the GP route Bill and at least tried those options. I feel the same way about my beautiful daughter, she is 27 and  my son who is 28. My daughter and I are best friends too and it breaks my heart to leave her - I have approx 6mths prognosis. I imagined being here to pick wedding dresses, see my grandchildren arrive, etcc but its all been taken away from us all to share as a family. Its overwhelming if I let myself think about it all - so I  understand all you are saying but know none of the answers and its terribly painful and hard to bear. I hope you will feel a little more able to cope in tme, we all have some harder times to face and just have to support our families who are suffering so much too. Much love max x

Max I am truly sorry concerning your prognosis and I will pray for you Max and thank you again for your kind words which are true to the word and have helped me to understand more than you will ever know. God Bless you Max. X.

I so hope it does help a little to be able to tell someone else going through a similar journey - it helps me too. My hubbie has stopped work to be at home with me and we are away for a few days until later next week. Please keep in touch and let me know how Carrie and you are doing and I will log-on if I can get on the internet - but if you dont hear back from me you will know why. Take good care of yourself Bill and your lovely family. Speak soon. Max x

I so hope it does help a little to be able to tell someone else going through a similar journey - it helps me too. My hubbie has stopped work to be at home with me and we are away for a few days until later next week. Please keep in touch and let me know how Carrie and you are doing and I will log-on if I can get on the internet - but if you dont hear back from me you will know why. Take good care of yourself Bill and your lovely family. Speak soon. Max x

Speak soon Max and enjoy your holiday. Bill. X

Thinking of you Max hope your having a great time with your family X.

Hi Bill ..... Am back after a good few days with friends. How are you doing?  Max x

Hi Max glad to hear you enjoyed yourself, I am doing ok thanks.x

Hi Bill - how are you doing? Max x

Hi Max,

Sadly I am the same and feel I can be nothing else under the circumstances, I have Max like most people had some sort of trauma/tragic event in my life but nothing ever can prepare you for what is unfolding with my daughter/ an adult child of any age. I know people mean well when they say you must seek help but in all honesty their is nothing at all in this world can give me what I really want and that is not having to lose my daughter, sadly Carrie is damaged now either by her illness the chemo or the radiation if I had been in the position to be her principal carer and been able to speak for her I do not think I would have given permission for either the two treatments I mentioned. But that was not in my authority to do so, I believe her quality of life would have been better over a longer period of time but I/we shall never ever know.Max how did it go at Christies for you? are you glad you went etc? and how is your family.  Bill.X

Dear Bill .......... I can understand what you are saying Bill and I cannot imagine how painful it must be to see your daughter deteriorating with this awful illness. Only you will know if you feel the  time is right to seek outside support for yourself. The journey of this illness is full of 'if onlys' and wondering if the right decisions were made at the right time or should we have gained more info over a treatment plan. We all look back and think maybe things would be different 'if only'. Like you say Bill - we will never know, so its best to not torture yourself over past decisions and think of what is now. I think of you and Carrie a lot and my heart goes out to you and others in your situation - I of course can offer no answers or advice as to how you get through it all but maybe one day your experience can help and comfort another family going through a similar journey.

Thanks for asking about me - I had my scans 10days ago and go back to Manchester on 5/6/13 to see if I will be eligible for a liver operation. It has been awful waiting to hear some news especially as whatever answer I am going to hear is not ideal. I will either be facing a massive and dangerous operation within the week or be told that it cannot be done and I will not live for many more months. I also have to decide whether the potential benefit of the op is worth it - it will give me a little extra time but I will still be on chemo and treatments throughout my 'extra time' and be prolonging the stress/pain to myself and my family. As you have said - will we ever know if we make the right decision?  - cos I havn't a clue what to do for the best!

Please take care of yourself and your family - have lots of hugs with your lovely daughter and keep in touch. Max x

I often think of you also Max and you are in my prayers as with your family and thank you again Max for your concern and kind words to me and my family. I realy do hope that you can gain what you prayer for because I truly believe that if any person deserves to have their wishes come true it is you Max.  BillX.

Likewise Bill. Reading some stories on here - and especially yours - its difficult to imagine all these families coping with such painful things. My husband summed things up the other day when i mentioned to him that a very fortunate couple we know were arguing about where to spend their 2nd holiday this year. I said to Andy 'my goodness-what a thing to fall out about - they ought to live in the real world! His answer was 'they do my love - its us that dont!!' 

That hit home at how right he is - we are living on a parallel with the 'real' world and all normality has gone for good. I tell myself that bad things happen to good people. So thank you 'good person' for all your help, prayers and comfort and I will speak to you soon. Definitely let you know how the 5th goes. Max x

Thanks Max we will surely speak again BillX.