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Relationship changes - after receiving new test results that he refuses to share with me, my husband has told me he doesn't see a future for us & feels empty

Tortise1974
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I have been with my husband for 12 years. He had life changing surgery last year which resulted in him having a permanent stoma, rectum & anus removal. It took over a year to reach this outcome but finally is pain free. He coped as well as could be expected & seemed much happier being pain free. He has received some new test results that he refuses to share with him and tells me he’s fine but he doesn’t know that I know there are further tests required on his recent scans . He has now told me that he doesn’t see a future for us and he doesn’t feel the same about me anymore, he feels empty & just wants to be on his own - this is not just home life but in general. He won’t or can’t open up or explain his feelings. We have a young son. I want to support him in any way I can, but he has become hurtful and resentful. I feel he is depressed and needs some help, to speak to someone about how he feels but he won’t entertain it. 

  • Hello Tortise1974 and welcome to Cancer Chat,

    I'm so sorry to learn of your situation. It can't be easy to hear this from your husband, especially when you suspect that you're not getting the full story on his test results. What your husband has gone through can lead to feeling uncertain about the future, which might make you re-evaluate your life. This wanting to withdraw could be coming from his experience of cancer and perhaps he feels that it's better not to involve you to save your feelings. We know that in the long run this isn't the best way to handle things, so if you feel he needs some help, I think you should keep talking to him about it and encourage him to speak to someone even if that someone isn't you right now. It could be relatives or friends and there are also advice helplines if he'd prefer to speak to someone outside his circle. 

    He can find out about local groups near him run by Mind or contact their helpline on 0300 102 1234. They also have practical tools online, if he prefers not to speak to someone. Another organisation called CALM has a helpline 0800 585858 open 5pm – midnight everyday and you can also read guidance on our website around how cancer can make you feel and the coping with cancer hub has advice for coping physically and mentally, as well as information for loved ones.

    Your reassurance could play a key role in your interactions, as despite how uncertain things may feel for him, you and your son are his family and you'll always be there in his corner.

    I hope this is helpful in some way and best wishes to you,

    Moderator Anastasia 

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Anastasia

    Thankyou for replying. We have had a chat and he knows that I know his results. He wants to leave as says he doesn’t want to put us through what may come next. I am terrified he will and won’t cope/speak to anyone. I have asked that he stay at home and I will give him all the time and space he needs and that whatever comes I will be here to support him. He is very closed off and says he feels empty. I am doing my best to understand. I moved out of our bedroom to give him the space he wants & needs and have said that if, after everything he still wants us to part then I will have to accept that. 
    I had a spell of work at the start of the year and I’m back now, he blames himself for this and doesn’t want me to go through it again. I am heartbroken that he may leave & just want to look after him. I don’t know what else I can do. 

  • in reply to Tortise1974

    You're doing everything you can Tortise1974 and I think in time he will appreciate that. Keep at it and hopefully he'll feel comfortable to open up a bit more. It may be that you need support to give yourself a break too. There is advise on our website around taking care of yourself and it might help to talk through how you're feeling with those close to you. Please don't be afraid to reach out for support that might be around and this forum is always here for you.

    I hope things get better for you both.

    Moderator Anastasia

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