Hi everyone, 

I don't know who to talk to about this. I feel so alone and lost.

My partner has had a pituitary tumour for 3 years, and taking medication to control it. In October he was told his prolactin levels were "normal". January 31st my partner went to the opticians because his headaches were getting worse (he's a solicitor and had been working 14 hour days on the laptop so I thought it might be eye strain/inflammation), and the optician told him they could see "cloudiness the back of one of his eyes" and referred him to the specialist because they think his tumour might have grown. 

We've been together almost 9 months, and he'd told me about his health conditions and thanked me for accepting him and not making him feel less of a man. 

He called me on February 1st saying "I need to focus on me for the first time in my life, and I'm not well. I don't feel physically, mentally or emotionally well. I don't feel anything."

I said I'll wait for you, he said "don't, don't, because I don't know how long it's going to take me to get well", and I said but I love you, he said "I know you love me, and I love you, but I refuse to let you see me like this". I said if it was the other way around and I was calling you and saying this, would you just be okay to walk away and accept it? he sighed heavily and said "that's not fair to ask me that, because I promised you I'd never hurt you and this is the most humane way I can think of doing it, I refuse to let you see me like this".

I said to him, you said to me if you were ever going to end it with me you'd do it to my face, not on the phone for by text. and he said "I know and I was going to, but I can't let you see me like this which is why I'm calling you". he said want me to let you into a secret? I said yeah, he said "I went to the opticians yesterday and guess who's been referred back to the specialist because they think my pituatry tumour has grown? they saw cloudiness the back of one of my eyes".

The start of December we had an early miscarriage, I was 5 weeks. I asked him if I hadn't had the miscarriage or lost the baby would he still be making the phone call to me? he sighed heavily and said "I can't, I can't, bye dawn bye dawn" and he put the phone down. then he blocked me on WhatsApp and on Instagram.

I called his mom straight away because I was worried about him. She said "Dawn he adores you, take this with a pinch of salt, he's scared and thinks he's not going to be around in 5 years. I'll tell him if he's serious about ending the relationship then he needs to do it properly and come and see you and do it to your face". She's text me a couple of times since, and he's not been to see me or say anything to my face. So what do I do? Do I just wait for him, knowing he's scared? Or do I have to accept that he doesn't want me anymore? I want to support him through this, and I'm so scared he feels alone or unloved, or that I've abandoned him because he's a burden. he kept telling me on the phone it wasn't my fault, it's him, he's flawed and broken, and it breaks me heart that he feels like that. I don't see him that way at all. He's my everything. I know he's scared he'll go blind, he also has essential tremors and scared he's got Parkinson's. I know he's trying to protect me, but I could scream because I don't need him to protect me, I just need him to come back to me so we can get through this together.

The last thing his mom said was on 13th February: "Hi bab ash is still low he's got alot on his mind we did speak quite alot and I've told him off cause didn't know just how much he had bottled up he didn't speak to me he said he just didn't have enough time in the day to speak to me he has promised me he will speak more to me from now on cause he is going through so much he didn't know which way to turn he wasn't getting enough sleep was so tired all the time im keeping a close eye on him told him he also needs to see the doctor but he just needs space for him to get his head sorted x" 

I asked her if she'd give him a hug from me, and said "I will dawn". If he'd made it absolutely clear that he didn't love me or that we were truly over, she'd have told me wouldn't she? She'd have set a boundary? I'm so scared. I don't want to lose him in anyway. I know it's not going to be an easy road, but as long as we have each other, I know we can get through this.

I've not heard from her since, but he hasn't blocked my mom on WhatsApp and his mom hasn't blocked me. He's been posting things to his WhatsApp stories, surely he knows I'll be able to see them? Oh, and he hadn't blocked me on SMS because I managed to get a message to him via old fashioned text and it showed as "sent" and "delivered" on the 11th February. But it's not showing as read yet. Everyone tells me it was a panic response and he's scared and he wasn't thinking clearly otherwise he'd have made sure to block all avenues and to have told me to my face. They've said he wouldn't have told me he loves me on the phone call if it was a clear thought out break up and that he just needs to sort his head out. 

It's been 26 days not hearing from him, it's his birthday on 6th March and I'm sending him a little birthday package showing him I love him and that I meant what I said when I told him we're a team and we'll face it together. 

I'm sorry it's so long, I just needed to get it all out, and I'm crying my heart out. I just don't know what to do.