Hello Jeblw1412, 

Poor you and your poor mum too - what a difficult situation and it is even harder as you are still waiting for a definite diagnosis so it's not easy to plan accordingly when you don't have all the facts yet or a definite diagnosis. You are currently unsure as to whether she has dementia or if it is cancer that has spread and perhaps once you know the full picture and have the details of her diagnosis, you will be able to go back to social services and present your case again and I hope that they will consider it favourably. The fact that she is becoming forgetful like forgetting to take her meds or not knowing how to turn on the boiler is indeed concerning and I can understand why you are worried. 

She does sound like a fiercely independent lady but sometimes we have to prioritise safety when capacity is impaired and make decisions that are in her best interest so you are right to try and seek help as you can't do it all alone or be there 24/7. It might be worth having a conversation with her to encourage her to get support for herself and accept the idea of having a carer - you could emphasise that it doesn't mean her freedom is taken away from her but that she will get some support where she needs it for simple things or tasks which will make her life easier. Perhaps when you get the details of her diagnosis you could go back to social services and explain that things are deteriorating fast and you now know what you are dealing with - whether it is cancer or dementia or both affecting her capacity to function on a daily basis. Make a list maybe of all the instances when you felt her forgetfulness could have put her in danger - good examples you mentioned are her forgetting to take her meds and freezing at home because she could not turn on the boiler  and there may be more examples that spring to your mind.  Every time something concerns you, make a little note of it so you don't forget. You could also try and talk to your mum's GP and they may have other ideas and suggestions and will point you in the right direction. 

I think it's important that your mum rings you for help in situations like the one you describe with the boiler and it might be worth having a chat to her about it, that you're not at all trying to change who she is but that you are adapting the world around her so she can be safe and cared for. It can be hard for someone like her to accept that though so continue to check on her regularly as you have done until you find a solution and additional support. 

As you rightly pointed out, all this is exhausting for you and you're right to want to have a plan in place if things might get worse. Macmillan have useful information on support from adult social care and Marie Curie have an interesting page on living alone with a terminal illness. There is also some good advice on our website on how to support someone with cancer and I would also suggest you read our page on support at home - one thing that is mentioned there is having a Marie Curie nurse. Marie Curie nurses give nursing care to people with advanced cancer in their own homes and they also do home visits.

I hope this helps a little bit - our cancer nurses are also available on this free number 0808 800 4040 so don't hesitate to give them a call if you want to talk things through with them - the helpline is open Monday to Friday from 9am to 5pm. 

Your mum is very lucky to have you and that you are able to check on her as you have done and I am sure she knows it and appreciates what you do for her. Other members of our community may have been in a similar situation before and I hope that they will be along shortly to share their story and thoughts with you.

We're thinking of you during this challenging time and wanted you to know that you are not alone and the forum is always there for support, comfort and guidance whenever you need it.

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator