Hi JaneMarie,

Welcome to Cancer Chat. I'm sorry to hear of the situation with your husband and I hope you're getting on as OK as can be.

I can understand you saying you feel these jobs don't matter, particularly if he is struggling with them. The only thing I can suggest is to try to have an honest conversation about it, and how you're feeling - and what you feel is important. This may be difficult to do, especially if he is doing all this partly as a coping mechanism. Maybe it could start with finding a little more balance, i.e. him reducing the amount that he's doing but still keeping up with a few bits if he wants to and is able to.

Hopefully you'll get some more replies to your post here soon. We're always here for support on the forum whenever you need it, and I hope it can be helpful for you.

Wishing you all the best,

Ben
Cancer Chat Moderator

I think your husband is showing you care and support in this way. I can relate to his behaviour as cancer sufferer, not carer. When I was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in 2022, my first thoughts were about caring for the loved one, my adult daughter. I could barely walk and kept on tidying up at home, sorted my will, finances. Coincidentally, my ex husband came to see me and I was ordering him repairs to be dome at home and he did them. I could not enjoy having 'time' with my loved ones feeling I was sitting on top of a 'run down' house. I suggest you show appreciation for what your husband is doing and join in with him, have a cup of tea and chat afterwards.     

Thank you for taking the time to reply. That was not an angle I had thought about. This is all a huge learning curve, he has always been the practical one and I am the organised one for appointments, paperwork etc. If I try and help I tend to get in the way.  Make more tea and be ready to do any clearing up look like my new jobs! 

Thank you for your helpful reply. He rarely says how he feels and doesn’t want to know any details of the diagnosis or prognosis. We have both been aware it was always a possibility as he regularly worked with asbestos, especially when we were first married. The reality of it all is so different, immunotherapy every 3 weeks, blood tests, phone calls. We always had short breaks or meeting up with friends planned well ahead, now I dare not book anything days ahead. So much to take in and learn. 

Perhaps knowing where the cancer may have come from is not a bad thing. It helps you see your and your husband's strengths and risks you took together .I have no idea where mine came from. Of course, friends and family will always come up with an idea or two that make them look clever that they avoided cancer ;-) I voraciously research treatment options, I want to know all about treatments and trials. My view is that no one is a better advocate for me than me. The feelings after a cancer diagnosis are not easy t process, partly, I believe due to existing hysteria about cancer. It is still portrayed as a monster stealing one's wealth and life to some unfortunate people one reads about in the media. When I realised that cancer is just another illness out of many people can suffer, I calmed down. Yes, it can take one's life, but so do other conditions. I am not pretending that adjustment has been easy. The cancer is a huge biological and psychological change in the mind and body, I feel low on energy. I have lost the ability to plan social events ahead. It is to protect me, but it is hard to explain it to friends and family. This bit I hate. However, you are in charge, you don't have to overexplain. Follow your instincts.  

By the way, in my view your husband's actions show he deeply cares about you. My best experience within my cancer diagnosis was building a fruit cage with my ex husband, being in the fresh air, watching him do the job, passing him the tools. He knew that is what I wanted for a long time and never had time to concentrate on my hobby. I was weak after the chemo, I could barely walk, but I would go out with him trusting the proverbial if I fall he will get me up. These are the worthwhile memories of my cancer journey so far. I love my walk-in fruit cage.    

Hi Jane Marie, I’m so sorry your going through this .we too are trying to deal with  my dads diagnoses of advanced mesothelioma. He has been offered immunotherapy treatment but I know he’s having mixed emotions about. This. He too keeps talking about sorting money and organising his affairs but I know it’s his way of leaving us with no financial burden hes being very practical and is being open and honest with us but it’s heart wrenching I’m trying my best to be positive and he knows we will be with him the whole journey. We don’t no what’s a head of us or how much time we have together. Sending prayers your way