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Having trouble coping with his constant anger.

Moodle
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My husband has been diagnosed with cancer and is currently undergoing chemo which will be followed by radiotherapy. I am finding it difficult to deal with his constant anger and irritability. He gaslights me to say Im moody yet I know its not me. If Im quiet and dont want to engage ecause he's angry he says Im moody. Im just trying to look after him and cook, clean shop etc. Im constantly walking on eggshells and starting to believe I can't stay with him in order to protect my own mental health. He won't go to counselling and honestly Im on the verge of leaving. Just wanted to dump this here. 

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    Hi Moodle

    Its good to dump. My husband has stage 4 renal cancer, spread to bones, lung, brain and pancreas. He is now wheelchair bound and I care for him at home. He used to be a man who was always doing things and now he can't do anything. He used to get so very angry and still does now and then. He was frustrated at what he can't do and will never do. Its very hard when you are on the receiving end. My feelings are its the disease talking, know that's no excuse for being angry at you but sometimes I take a step back and have my own little bubble to retreat to mentally.

    It could be having a bath, enjoying the walk to the shops, just standing in the garden for 5 minutes and breathing deeply. Knowing that you are doing the best you can and no one needs to validate that.

    My husband wouldn't go to counselling - he has been now but it took years. Maybe if he has any close friends they could come round and support him, maybe.

    You must do what you feel is best for both of you, I'm sure that everyone deals with this journey differently, whether they stay or go. I don't feel there are any rights or wrongs when it comes to all this.

    Waves 

  • Offline in reply to Waves

    Thank you so much for your reply. I wish you all the best through you journey. As you say, all experiences are different. There's always induvidual background relationship history that add to the mix as to how people cope or don't  with what is a very emotionally traumatic time for both. I will try snd develop a more robust bubble into which I can retreat when it becomes too much. Thank you for your words of comfort. It must be very hard seeing your husband's strength and being, failing. I admire your resilience and wish you all the best in dealing with what must be the inevitably of your situation. I hope you also have a good support system and are able to care for your needs. All the with heartfelt empathy and respect.

  • Offline in reply to Moodle

    Thank you Moodle for your lovely message. Only we can understand how hard this all is. You are so right, lots depends on relationship history. I really need my bubble at the moment. I tend to be able to cope with big things then something little throws me right off the rails. It is hard seeing my husbands strength failing him. We have lots of tears throughout the day. 

    I heard a saying the other day "focus on the positive things, no matter how small, the bad things will pass" I hope that's true. We are so much stronger than we think x

  • Offline in reply to Waves

    Sending a huge hug to you and wishing you continued strength and courage. Thank you for replying to "my dump" and actually feeling a bit more positive and calmer today. You know where to find me if you ever need to offload. Xx 

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