Hi Betty46, 

I am so sorry you have experienced such a drastic change in your husband's behaviour. It sounds like you were very close and cancer can unfortunately get in the way and indirectly cause irritability. You should not have to endure this silent treatment, being spoken to in this way or being made to feel like he is treating you differently or that he is cutting you out of conversations or not letting you know about the pain he is dealing with when you are both in the same house. 

I know it isn't easy for him and that having stage 4 cancer is sadly having an effect on his wellbeing and we sometimes tend to show how we really feel and we tend to be a bit grumpy with the person who is closest to us but how your husband is behaving towards you is not acceptable and because it has been going on for months now, it sounds like you could be exhibiting some signs of domestic abuse. I know that must be scary to read but it's important to recognise that domestic abuse isn't always about violence, it can also include emotional, verbal abuse and controlling behaviour. Even though the cancer is no doubt making him more vulnerable and irritable, there is no justification for him being nice to everyone else but to use your words "vile and horrible" to you.  

It must be so hard for you to have to deal with this. If it ever does get to a point where you need to seek help, please don't hesitate in reaching out to Women's Aid or Refuge. You may also like to call the National Domestic Abuse helpline. You can either contact them through their website or give them a call on 0808 2000247. Their phone lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and have expert advisers who offer confidential, non-judgemental support, so there is always someone available if you are ever in need of some advice. 

It may be worth speaking to your GP about how this is affecting you as they will be able to support you and advise you on how you can look after yourself during this difficult time. The cancer charity Maggie's also offer free support to anyone with cancer and their families so it might be worth getting in touch with them. You can find out more just here. What is sure is that you have done nothing to justify being treated or spoken to like this and this is a time when you deserve all the love and support you can get. 

I'm sure some of our members who have been in a similar situation will be along soon to offer their thoughts, supportive words and advice but in the meantime, we're thinking of you Betty46 and sending all our strength and support your way.

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator