Hi Dougieboy5, 

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and that your partner is so poorly at the moment with a large tumour in his bowel as well as mets to the spine, lung and aortic area. This seems to be leaving him in a lot of pain and he must be incredibly frustrated that he cannot walk due to the oedema and all this must be affecting his mood and in situations like this it is common that we become irritable with those closest to us. However, even though his situation is difficult you should not have to bear his mood swings or that he swears at you to the point of making you cry. As you said, this is affecting you mentally so you are right to try and find a solution so you don't have to put up with this repeated verbal abuse. 

You are doing everything you can to support him and I think you are right in taking these measures, having this important conversation with the oncology nurse to see whether he would benefit from going to the hospice and also I think it's a good idea to talk to the Macmillan nurse on Wednesday to discuss things in detail so that they can hopefully advise you on what your options are. It sounds like it has all become a bit much really and it's really important that you never forget to look after yourself and as you will read on our page on taking care of yourself, there are also things like carers' breaks/ respite breaks that you might both benefit from and your GP or local social services can tell you what help might be available in your area. Have a look on the Marie Curie website as they have detailed information on the types of respite available and taking a break. I think you were right to talk to his daughters about how he is behaving as you should not bottle things up and suffer in silence. 

You have done the right thing in coming here and reaching out to others on the forum. Dealing with cancer can be a difficult time for both the patient and their loved ones and sometimes you need to talk to others who understand. It's important to recognise that domestic abuse isn't always about violence, it can also include emotional, verbal abuse and you might like to call the National Domestic Abuse helpline for a chat, they are available on freephone 0808 2000247, or you can contact them directly from their website. Their expert advisers offer confidential, non-judgmental support 24 hours a day 7 days a week. 

You might also find it useful to talk to someone at Relate about the difficulties you are having  and how much his behaviour has been affecting you mentally. They offer a range of digital and telephone counselling services which you might find useful. 

As a cancer charity this isn't our area of expertise but I hope this helps in some way. The forum is always here for you whenever you need it and I hope that you will hear from other forum members who have been in this really difficult situation before and that they will share their experience with you. I think you are taking all the right steps so I hope something productive and constructive will come out of the conversations you are having with the Macmillan and the oncology nurse so that you find the perfect solution for both of you.  

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hello Dougieboy5

Im sorry to hear you are in this horrible situation Im not surprised you feel the way you do. .Cancer changes everything the patient and their loved ones  You definitely dont need to be shouted at so please set boundaries and walk away unless your partner stops. It may be he is in pain and swearing is a release Have you spoken to gp to get pain meds adjusted?  There is no need for anyone to be in pain

Explain fully and get them to increase his  dose if thats what is needed you cannot wait nor ge till Wednesday.

Sending you strength to do this ( had to myself)

Also once pain under control might improve mood and be able to think more clearly about things 

Macmilluan helpline is open every day till 8pm you can speak on phone or chat online 

Also take yourself for a walk if able just fresh air helps

And if he falls dial 999 the paramedics are brilliant

Over all remember you are important deserve kindness .

Sending strenghth

• RB

Thank s for your informative post .i am struggling massively but the fact his being so nasty is a double whammy.hopefully Wednesday can put some light on the future with the McMillan nurse when she comes .

Thanks i rang the McMillan hotline in desperation yesterday.i felt stupid but needed to offload it to someone who knows .my friend has been great and even she says the anger at me is unjustified.pain meds probably need to change due to the change in his condition which has increased tenfold.

Hi im glad you spoke to Macmillian and have friend to support you.

Hope things get easier for you with more support

Kind wishes

RB