This is a difficult and challenging post to write. My husband and I have been together for 21 years and have been in each other’s lives for 30 years. We once had an amazing relationship and despite the ups and downs of life, we have remained loyal to each other and loved each other very much. However, our marriage became profoundly dysfunctional many years ago and all forms of tenderness and intimacy stopped. We became like lodgers living together and our combined purpose was solely based on raising and nurturing our son, who is now 19-years old.

An unexpected bombshell explosion rocked our small family last year with a sudden cancer diagnosis that was terminal. My husband bravely endured six months of chemotherapy and immunotherapy that sadly didn’t work. We were informed a few weeks ago that he would be triaged to palliative care at our local hospice with a prognosis of 3-6 months of remaining life left. My husband’s health has ironically improved since treatment stopped. He retained all of his hair, and despite losing a lot of body weight, he is still mobile and looks incredibly well. He is currently on no medication apart from paracetamol to control low levels of pain and discomfort. 

Throughout our years together, a growing hostility and rage emerged between us. This was compounded by many of my unknown disabilities (at that time) that have more recently culminated in several neurodevelopmental and mental health disorders. Despite my challenges, I remained working throughout our marriage in a variety of demanding and stressful executive roles as the primary breadwinner, whilst my husband retained the primary role of caregiver for our beautiful son. I stopped working last autumn at the time of my husband’s diagnosis to focus on caring for him and to support our beloved son.

I am reaching out in desperation because of the hugely emotional and conflicted feelings that I have about my husband. I am already deeply immersed in anticipatory grief and my heart is truly shattered at his impending death and that our young son will be without his hero Dad. My husband has exhibited verbal aggression and anger towards me for the majority of our marriage, but it has now reached levels that I can no longer bear. We are unable to be in the same room together at home, nor can we stand to be in any situation where we have to occupy the same space. I genuinely love my husband and I know that he feels the same about me. Unfortunately, the years we have spent together have become so toxic and my mental health is now in real jeopardy. We had our first appointment at the hospice a couple of weeks ago, and the nurse is referring me to a Psychologist as she could clearly see my utter despair and distress. I want to run away and cannot cope for another day in such a hostile and toxic environment. 

My husband’s relatives, including adult children from previous marriages, live a long distance from us, and they are planning to visit him soon at our home. I know that some of his relatives don’t particularly like me, and I haven’t seen some of them for many years. It all feels like additional trauma during a time when I am not able to cope. I don’t know what to do and feel indescribably anxious, depressed, and traumatised. I am also conscious that I need to do the very best that I can to support my husband and our son, but his anger (my husband) towards me is now starting to make me hate and resent him - even though paradoxically I still love him!

Any advice from anyone who has lived through these complicated feelings would be appreciated.