Mom on palliative care, family at war!

Hi all, 

My mom is on palliative care. I love her so much. I live a distance away so I spoke to her most days if not daily through video chat. I have helped with getting things sorted for her. There are several siblings but we don't get on for various reasons. I have a step-dad who has left me to sort out the palliative care and other things. I was also the one who had to speak to the doctors because he couldn't. Mom called me first with the diagnosis, while crying. It broke me, I cried and cried. I lost my dad at a young age. I'm close to my mom. Mom is in hospital now and not expected to leave hospital. I have visited her  and spent many hours at her bedside. Last night I received a really nasty message from a sibling, it told me that I was no longer welcome at the hospital to visit and to cut contact. It said they were sparing my feelings but my mother never wanted me there. It hurt so much! Even though I know it's not true, it broke me!  It went on to say they would deal with the funeral and I would receive details as and when but to not get in touch at all.

This morning, I received a phone call from another siblings phone, when I answered it was my mother. She told him she wanted to speak to me. He used his phone so she could call me. I asked if she was okay and she asked how I was. I told her I love her so much but have received a nasty message from telling me not to visit and who from. She was angry, she said "How dare he, he has no right, of course I want to see you, he's an A***hole, she doesn't usually swear. I said to her, you know I love you don't you mom, She said "Yes of course I do, and I love you too!" At which point, sibling who helped her call me, asked her "Do want to see (My name)" Her response was "Of course I do!" I don't know what to do. If she is now on morphine, will she still be lucid? I want to go and see her if she wants me to, but they put her on morphine continuously now to control the pain, will she be sedated to the point she won't know we are there or will she know if I go and see her?

Can my sibling tell the nurses not to let me in?

I'm feeling so upset, I'm struggling to cope and it's actually making me ill.  

  • Hi Scorch, 

    This is truly heartbreaking - what an awful situation to be in. It's hard enough knowing that your mum is on palliative care in hospital and that she is not likely to leave hospital but add to this all this extreme family tension, what a terrible time it must be for you. It sounds like your mum loves you very much and it must have hurt so much to be told by your sibling that you were not welcome by her side in hospital and that she doesn't want you there but you know that is far from the truth and that your mum herself has said to you that she would like to see you so her wishes should be respected by all because putting all these family disagreements to one side, what matters the most is that your mum gets what she wants at the end of her life. She clearly said that she would like to see you and you would also like to see her - perhaps there is a way for you to go and visit her at times when you know these other family members won't be there? This is all so upsetting and I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. 

    I am not sure how morphine might affect your mum and we all react differently to any pain relief or medication but we have information on our website on morphine  you might be interested in reading where you will find out more about morphine and possible side effects it might have. We also have a page on managing symptoms when someone is dying and I would also suggest you give our cancer nurses a call on this free number 0808 800 4040 - their helpline is open Monday to Friday from 9am to 5pm and they will be able to tell you more about how morphine might affect your mum now she is being put on morphine continuously to control her pain. It can also help perhaps to talk things through with our nurses and tell them about your situation and your worries about not being let in to see your mum. 

    I hope that you get to see your mum soon - it's what you both want and nothing should get in the way of your mum's last wishes. 

    Keep strong Scorch and we are all here for you if you ever need to offload - I am sure our community members will have further thoughts and insights for you based on their personal experiences so I will now let them come and say hello. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • You go and see your mum, never mind what others say. You and you mum want this. You can't turn the clock back. I was with my mum when she passed I know she could hear our voices around her. Good luck and sending lots of love.