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Guilty taking time off work after finding out my dad’s cancer is getting worse.

Sarah1819
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My dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 adenocarcinoma lung cancer back in November, just after I got engaged. It took a few weeks waiting for blood test results which would open up to potentially starting immunotherapy, and even then, dad couldn’t start treatment until January because there wasn’t enough time to start it at the end of the new year.

Seeing him lose so much weight during this time has been so heartbreaking. It wasn’t until last weekend when he was admitted to hospital after his oxygen levels dipped to 74%, that they found his cancer had gotten worse and is aggressive. They said that he’s now too weak to start treatment, and has said he roughly has 6weeks left. This has been very devastating for us all. The thought of losing my dad that quick just seems insane to me. He requested to come home since there’s no point in staying at the hospital if they’re not going to do anything. He’d rather be in the comfort of his own home with the people he loves. 

I can’t lose my dad, especially when I’ve always imagined him giving me away at my wedding. But now the thought of him not being there for us, not able to fulfil the promises he made to my mum, him not seeing his future grandkids, I can’t get my head around it. We’re moving the wedding up so that he can be here for it, but the earliest we can do is early Feb. Dad’s got a fighting spirit so he said he’ll be there but obviously he’s scared, we’re all so scared and worried. 

I took 1 day off work after getting the news that they won’t be continuing with treatment and I felt terrible. My boss and my coworkers know and they’ve been super supportive and understanding. When I went back to work the day after, my coworkers asked me why I was back and that I should be focusing on spending time with dad. I thought I felt okay enough to work, but honestly I was distracted and unmotivated. We’ve also been given extra tasks which starts soon, which I’ve not been able to prepare much given that I’ve been off and my after work hours had been at hospital the past week, so I’m feeling extra stress and pressure about this. My coworkers have said I shouldn’t worry and that they can absorb the work if needed. I don’t know how my boss would feel, but I feel guilty about it all because I know I can still do the job, albeit stressed and maybe a bit distracted. I’m torn between staying home with my dad, and mum (she’s his main carer at this point) but feeling guilty about not working, or powering through work stressed and distracted.

I’m not sure what I’m looking for posting this, but my mind’s been all over the place and I just needed to let it out.  

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    Hi Sarah1819

    I was in a very similar position last year when my Dad, who had been diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2020, started deteriorating quickly.  My advice would be to forget about work and put your darling Dad and family first.  You won't want to live with possible regret of not spending as much time as possible with him.  I actually decided to leave my job and look after my Dad and help my mum with the care.  It was heartbreaking but I cherish the time that we had together and the chats that we had.

    Work is just not that important in the great scheme of things but your Dad certainly is.

    Sending you love and strength x

    .

  • Offline in reply to ToniG121

    Thank you so much for your reply. I’m really sorry about your dad 

    I still feel that bit of guilt but I guess this is something that I just need to be reminded and reassured of. I don’t know when I started getting more concerned over work than family matters but it’s really putting things in perspective. But you’re right, my dad and my family are worth more than work. Thanks the reminder x 

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    I'm so sorry to read about your situation and felt compelled to reply in the hope that I can give you a bit of comfort.  I work with a guy who's dad died of cancer last year, and his mum has stage 4 bone cancer and is going through her final round of chemo. He's 27.  Without exception everyone in the company wants to help and support him as much as we can. No one will begrudge you taking any time off I can guarantee it. Work is just work - it's a means to pay the bills.  My recommendation would be to see if you can get a leave of absence / compassionate leave and spend this time with your dad. If I was your boss I would feel really guilty you sitting at work when you could be supporting your parents. Try to take some joy from the wedding preparations and create as many memories as you can.

    Above all don't feel guilty for not being at work.  

    Sending you a big hug.

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