Not talking

My son is 44 years old. He has stage 4 bowel cancer, diagnosed in March 2024. He’s had ten rounds of chemo which has shrunk his bowel tumour very slightly and reduced his 30 liver tumours to twenty. 
His (let’s call him Ross) wife left him shortly after his diagnosis and his dad and I (mum) have moved in with Ross to help him run his pub. 
One of my problems is that Ross refuses to talk about his cancer to anyone. He makes jokes about it to his friends, but I worry that he won’t or can’t  tell anyone how he really feels. At the moment he’s trying to live life to the full, having mentally compiled a bucket list of things he’s always wanted to do. It seems to me like he’s given up and I can’t bear it. 
incidentally whenever he comes back from his ‘jaunts’ he is always exhausted and I’ll; to the point of having low platelets and having to miss chemotherapy sessions. Part of me is glad that he’s having a great time and the other part of me is terrified that he’s making himself more ill. Everyone who will listen to my fears gives me what they think I want to hear such as, “They can work miracles these days” and “Good for him”. I’m grieving and I haven’t even lost him… yet. 
Has any mother who has been through this share some coping techniques- if there are any?

  • Hi Annie

    I can't share any coping techniques but you may gain strength from the fact,  that from the point of view of someone with cancer, your son appears to be coping very well. Not everyone needs to talk about their health and he is he is a long way off from "given up" making the most of the precious life you gave him. Doing things that make him happy whilst he still can, with your help looking after his pub. Waiting around for your next chemo session is hardly living. 

    When you are ill with cancer it can become overwhelming, invading every aspect of your life, all day everyday. It is an essential coping mechanism that you are allowed to have time out from having cancer. To be in a place in your mindset where you don't think about it and forget about it totally. Speaking to others about cancer does not let you forget about it or escape to that place. Absorbing hobbies and pastimes can put you in this place, I don't have cancer when I'm swimming, or working in the vegetable plot, or out shooting or doing a crossword. . For a brief period of time I've escaped and  feel normal.

    Your son is doing just fine, just be there for him if he needs your help and enjoy every day you are with him.

    Ed

  • Thank you so much for your response. It’ has enabled me to see things in a different light. Bless you and my sincere and heartfelt wishes for your recovery x