Help - how do I support her and what can we expect from her situation?

I have very recently met a woman with bowel Cancer. We are close and had expected this to develop into more than just friends. She has had chemo and expected the cancer to be gone or at least shrunk. At her appointment yesterday she was given the news that there is little change but hope it may improve in the coming weeks. She did not have the full treatment as her body had not dealt with it very well and had to stop. End of October and now waiting until January for her next consultation. She is strong and outwardly doing really well. I am not sure she had accepted it. Yesterday's news obviously sounds extremely more concerning and is very real. Inwardly I struggle to imagine how she is coping. We do not live together so I am not around her lots and feel she needs the love and comfort I am not there to give her.. She has lots of good friends though. No family.  So difficult for me and people around her. I can not imagine how she is really dealing with this?  She is very open to talk which is is really positive.  

How do I support her?  How do I deal with it myself. What can we expect from her situation. It feels very much How long is a piece of string. Sitting on a bomb not knowing if it's going to go off. I guess we have to take each day as it comes and enjoy the time we have with no idea how long that will be? 

  • Hello Veryalone and thank you for coming on our forum and sharing your story with us, 

    It sounds like you have a very close bond with this lady and it's so nice of you to be there for her while she is going through cancer treatment. You must be both a little disappointed that she was given the news that there has been little change but fingers crossed that it all improves in coming weeks. It's a shame that she didn't react too well to the treatment and had to stop it and it sounds like it is going to be a long wait until her next consultation in January. It must be really hard for you to know what to do or how to best support her given that you don't live with her and are not around but I am sure that she appreciates your support even if you are not physically present as much as you would like. Love and comfort can also be shared and felt from afar. I am glad she has lots of good friends around her too to help her during this difficult time. It's great that she is open to talk and communicate - she obviously feels comfortable to share all this with you and this communication is really the most important thing in any relationship so it seems like you are already everything you can to support her and to show her that you are there to listen if she ever feels the need to offload. 

    You are absolutely right when you say that you just have to take each day as it comes - cancer can be so unpredictable that taking one day at a time and showing that you are flexible and can adapt to the situation and simply be there for her is the best thing you can do. It is also often impossible to give a prognosis so all you can do really is not think about how long you may have together and enjoy every moment. You really seem to be giving amazing support already and I thought I would also share with you our information for Family, friends and Carers  which provides great insights into how to talk to someone with cancer and how best to support them but also you will find there some important tips on how to take care of yourself which is also crucial and will help you support her even better. 

    It can indeed feel very much like 'how long is a piece of string' as you said so accurately but you are not alone here on our forum and I am sure that other members of our community have been in a similar place before and I hope that they will be along shortly with their thoughts and suggestions based on their personal experience. 

    Best wishes to you both and I hope that treatment will soon start to show improvements and that the next consultation goes well. Keep us updated on how the situation develops if you get a moment!

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator