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Anger at partner's outbursts - he's currently undergoing chemo and the side effects have been horrible

Littlelou
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My partner is undergoing chemo and the side effects have been horrible  I stepped up and am doing my best to care for him doing things that I did not know I could do I am well out of my comfort zone  but I get on with it despite being so scared of losing him and a and the uncertainty how ever he has had 2 outbursts of telling me I’m not good enough I’m not and never will be a good cook I don’t drive   You are just not good enough he apologises after and says he loves me and don’t know what he would do without me but it hurts is this what he really thinks 

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    Abuse is never acceptable, cancer or not.

    My wife was bordering on abusive at times during her treatment. I absolutely dread the 3 or so days after each of her chemos when she was on steroids. Add to that, she suffered badly from insomnia, so lack of sleep coupled with the drugs made all our lives hell. The only thing that got me through it was the fact outside of these drugs, she hasn't got an abusive bone in her body. It was her. But squaring that off in your head when it's happening isn't an easy thing to do.A lot of the understanding goes out of the window.

    I had to go for a lot of long walks morning and night. If it hadn't been for the kid and those walks I'd have probably done a runner myself. It was horrible.

    As for your circumstances, if this is totally out of character for your husband, like he was never abusive before, then his behaviour will be temporary. Still not excusing it, though. Because abuse is abuse. But some of these drugs are awful, especially when he's dealing with a cancer diagnosis which can knock people for 6 mentally too.

    You need some you time. Even if it's just for a couple of hours a day. Because you matter too and his recovery shouldn't be at the expense of your health. Without you, he has no one, and if you get dragged down, he's risking having no one to care for him. Reach out to Maggies because they're there for carers too. But yeah, do look after yourself too. If you ever need to talk or vent, I'm more than happy to sit here and listen to you, so don't be shy having a good vent. Sometimes you need to let it all out or you'll go mad yourself.

  • Offline in reply to ProfBaw

    Thank you  no he is not abusive usually don’t get me wrong we have had our ups and downs over 35 years but this is out of character he has always been the strong practical one mentally and physically i guess it’s hard to understand how completely devastating it is for him from his perspective we have always done our own thing within a stable loving relationship  I think he hates losing his independence as I do being totally reliant on me and me having all the responsibility  

  • Offline in reply to Littlelou

    Hi, I am new to this as my husband was just diagnosed with stage 2 throat cancer in September and is just finishing is last treatment tomorrow. Like your husband, he is not an abusive person but his shortness with me at the moment is hard to take. My friend advised me to just suck it up for now as he is going through so much at the moment mentally and physically so I really understand what you are going through. My worry is that they have told me that the next 2-3 weeks will get worse for him so I really am worried how much worse things will be. I then feel bad because it's not about me, but I can't help what he is going through. It's such an awful disease.

  • Offline in reply to Evie1958

    Hi  my husband has now completed chemo and is waiting for pet scan results nerve wracking to say the least but I have to say his moods have settled  he no longer says nasty things he’s a little snappy when he is fatigued  but then I guess we all can be .i think he has realised we are both going through this and that I do get depressed scared etc like he does I won’t quote the cliches stay strong etc just that we all cope anyway we can there is no right or wrong way  good luck to you both x

  • Offline in reply to ProfBaw

    My partner has just been diagnosed with leukemia and I'm finding it really hard to get my head around. Hearing you say that you had to go for long walks morning and night has helped me because  at the minute my walks are the only things that I feel is getting me through this 

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