Never ending rollercoaster

In April my lovely husband was diagnosed with bowel and secondary liver cancer.  He’s always been so healthy, swam three times a week, careful what he ate.  Always such a mentally strong person.  He knows the right answer for anyone who needs help.  He started having chemo in May and was reacting brilliantly to it. Everyone commented on how well he looked, the tumour marker was decreasing and we were/are forever hopeful.  Then his 5th session out of 6 we came crashing down.  In his 57th birthday he developed pain and diarrhoea, then constipation.  Within a week he was admitted to hospital and that night we were told he had a perforated bowel and sepsis.  The prognosis was bad, 3-4 days at the most.  They gave antibiotics but said there’s 1 percent chance of this working, and they decided because of the cancer that they wouldn’t perform CPR as it was too brutal. They then said there was also an abscess.   We managed 2 weeks in hospital where I slept on the floor next to him.  We finally left with 6 weeks worth of antibiotics.  Fast forward to another scan on 2nd October which showed the perforation had healed and the abscess gone.  We were elated this meant the chemo could continue after the 6 weeks.  Two days later and he gets constipated and hasn’t been to the loo for a week.  We have laxatives, but seem to be taking ages to work.  He’s getting annoyed with me that I keep asking how he feels and our son won’t leave him alone text after text after text, which is driving him mad.  He’s just so sick of ‘a bit of good news’ then a load of bad, time and time again.  I’m struggling to keep his spirits up, he seems permanently quiet.  Definitely won’t talk to a therapist or any professional help.  I’m struggling to know how I can help him through this.  I’ve told our son to back off a bit, which upset him, as he idolises his dad.  He is annoyed if I’m going any housework and basically wants me to just sit in the lounge with him.  We’ve always been active people without a minute to sit down and so I find that quite hard, especially with things piling up around me.  It’s not about me, but we’ve been married for 30 years, he’s only 57.  All our retirement plans we’ve saved for seem like they’re gone and nothing about our lives resemble before the cancer.  I’m not sure what to do for the best 

  • How do you feel? If housework wasn't an issue would you be okay sitting with him for the time he wants?

    My partner isn't suffering as your husband is yet but he's stage 4 and I know I fall apart without the routine. I struggle with confronting that we might have limited time left and being buoyant on tap isn't easy.

    I think if you can cope with delegating and have someone to delegate it to I'd get someone to take over a bit of the housework so you can sit with him when he needs it. If your son's local maybe he can be made to feel useful that way. I know balancing everyone's emotions is like spinning plates.

    It's so unfair. 57 is way too young to be so ill. 

  • I know it sounds futile to want to do the housework, old fashioned I know, but I’ve always been the one to do everything at home whilst he goes to work.  So I guess I’m trying to find some normality.  I do sit with him from mid day onwards I guess, but he also doesn’t want to sit there watching mindless day time tv really.  I just still feel in shock I suppose, blindsided.  It was just a routine blood test for his thyroid that showed his liver function to be off.  Otherwise we would never have known, so to go from that in April to where we are now, I just can’t believe it, it doesn’t seem real. 
    Our son has been amazing doing shopping, mowing the grass etc.  he already does do a lot to help and our daughter will also if asked.  My son seems to have got the message and is now just talking about the grandchildren and football to my husband.  He messages me for all other info as of yesterday.  I agree with

    the spinning plates analogy.  It seems everyone needs more understanding than us.  We’re just dealing with each day and I think they imagine us say crying all day long, which we’re not at all.  

    can I ask about your husband, you don’t have to tell me. 

  • He's got stage 4 melanoma but has been pretty stable on immunotherapy. The oncologist says they can't cure him so the treatment is deemed palliative. We've got 2 primary school aged kids and no local family. So we try our best ourselves to make things as normal as possible but our eldest is complaining about missing days out etc. I think without the responsibility of the kids I'd be going potty but sometimes it all feels too much. He wants me to play computer games with him but at the end of the day I'm shattered and don't have the mental capacity to do anything engaging. I feel so much guilt that I can't do more for everyone. I just wish cancer didn't exist.

  • Oh my gosh, I feel like that’s even harder for you with two little ones and no family nearby. My heart really goes out to you.  On the one hand you need the normality of the children and all that they require, but on the other hand it must be draining and exhausting to be looking after them and also your husband.  You literally must be drained of all metal and physical capacity I would think.  I’m pleased that your husband is stable, I’m guessing he must be quite young if you have small children, although I know you can’t assume anything these days.  I’m so sorry, you’re having to go through this.  It’s so unfair.  Especially when there are so many horrible people out there.  

  • He's 50 and I'm 42. So not spring chickens but too young for all this. 57 is way too young too. I'm not sure there is a good age for it.

  • It’s way too young.  Well I’ll sign off for now because I know he won’t like me messaging about him. But if you want to message about anything i will message you back, I promise