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He makes me feel overwhelmed with his demands then guilty

Befree83
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Husband was hit with Cancer stage 3 bowel cancer also in surrounding tissue. I became his full time care overnight and that's what he wants me to be and stay. I get the vows in sickness and in health I gave up my job to care for him especially during radiotherapy then chemotherapy it took it out-of him. He became closed off angry confused isolated. Everytime I mentioned  I felt like a skivvy there's no appreciation just demands on me. He says he will shame me to family that I feel that way as he's the one with cancer he's the one going through this. He says I'm selfish I should care for the kids the home and him I'm waiting on surgery on my abdomen and have rough days I feel off. But I don't have cancer so it's not the same his needs are paramount his recovery is everything. Am I wrong to feel *** off with him, he's been given all clear now and he's not changed, I have kids I need to stay on top of my health to help him and care for them. He's lazy sits there saying how hard done to he is he was stage 3 now after surgery he's been given the cancer free. Just needs check ups now, his fuse is short he's cut off and ignores the family sleeps on sofa. Watches his phone all day he's not who I married. I assumed after all clear all treatment was over he would be back to himself if possible the old him. He does have a Stoma he wants me to clean and change and make up his medical bag to take out stay on top of supplies. When they said last phase of treatment was a stoma or radiotherapy he chose a stoma. Its his body his choice he wanted me to shower him clean up if it leaks empty the poo bins. He won't do his teeth for months I have to force him to clean. I just want to cry I have asked his family to tell him about cleanliness and self care. He won't listen to me I'm just the home help. I'm loosing respect for him and I can't see how I'm supposed to look at him again the way I used to after how he's treated me and the kids in the past year. I thought he be happy all clear but he's more closed off than chemotherapy days like self pity he had cancer to begin with. I can't understand its took a year away from him, with treatment but he beat it and has the future to look forward to he just can't get past what happened yesterday. Talking therapy isn't an option for him he sees it as weakness to talk about problems or feelings. I tried when he was first diagnosed talk therapy he said your the type to need a head doctor and belittled me. I was having the therapy for bereavement after loosing my granddaughter and then his cancer diagnosis was alot to deal with. 

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    You see a number of these posts on here. It's a form of abuse, and cancer doesn't give anyone a free pass to abuse their partner or carer in general. Without him seeking help, he's a lost cause. He needs a jolt to realise he has much to lose. Like, you walking whether it's for a week or so. Hilariously, if he did go and childishly tell the rest of the family, they would probably take his side. Especially if the family has more or less abandoned you, and only visit and pretend everything is great. In general (not all), extended families don't tend to like hearing home truths, and they certainly don't want to do any of the heavy lifting. This usually goes for many things, not just cancer. When my mum and dad split, his parents were fuming at my mum. But they knew he was abusive, and they were probably fuming because he became their problem once she walked out with her kids. He was always abusive.

    You need to think long and hard if you want to try and work this out, but if he isn't going to change, you're gonna have a miserable existence. But first, you have to lay it out very clearly that he has to stop, and if he wants to go running to his family, then you won't stop him, but you won't be blackmailed into putting up with his abusive behaviour. He does it because he knows you are taking his threats seriously, which you shouldn't be. If his behaviour continues, only you can ultimately decide what you do. If his family has an issue with you standing up for yourself, ask them kindly to pick up some of the caring work. He probably acts as if the sun shines outta his backside in front of others, it's how some people are.

    Everyone has a tough time after a cancer diagnosis, some people do withdraw into themselves, but that doesn't they all go around belittling and abusing others.

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    Hi first I am sorry to hear you are going through all this with no support. 

    You husband is being abusive and I want you to reach out to Cancer Support telephone line and Womens Aid get some support about this  to keep safe 

    Your husband is probably struggling with his diagnosis and whats next true but you have your own health needs.

    Can you go stay for a few days with a friend 

    Another source of help may be your local Mind reach out 

    You deserve a life and getting out the house is the first step 

    Unless he cannot use his hands there is no need for him not to manage his stoma himself!

    You have been more than supportive

    Be kind to yourself 

    You are important too

    Hugs

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