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Struggling in silence - trying so hard to be strong for my mum and everyone else

Lucy1980
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Hey. I just needed to tell someone how I’m feeling. I have been trying so hard not to be upset, to do everything I can for my mum and everyone else and be strong, so they can be strong. Tonight I am on my own for the first time in a long time, and I feel guilty. Like I should be doing something, but I feel angry as well, like there is no space for me to feel. Between work, siblings, my own child, trying to be everything mum needs now and refereeing between her and my dad. I just feel a bit lost. I will be ok, I will pick myself up and start again tomorrow, but beginning to wonder how long I can sustain it all. I don’t want to be selfish and it’s not about me. I want it to be about what mum needs and wants, but sometimes it just all gets a bit much. Never used the forum before, thought just sharing how I am feeling might help. 

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    Hi Lucy,

    I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through with your mum.

    It isn't indulgent to want space to feel and express your own emotions.  You are going through a difficult time as well and it is understandable.

    I empathise.  My mam has been diagnosed with cancer for the third time but this time it has gone to her bones and is incurable.  We've recently received the news and it has been incredibly hard.  I'm a carer for my grandmother who is in her 90s and dad is in poor health as well.  You can feel pulled in all directions and I also feel the need to be the strong one, even though inside I'm not.

    Do you have more opportunities for alone time?  Even if it is only half an hour here and there?

    Problem is if you're a carer you're more likely to put other people ahead of yourself.  But you do need to look after yourself.

    Thinking of you.

  • Offline in reply to sbr38

    Thank you. I think I just needed someone else to know and understand. It can be pretty lonely and I can’t talk to those around me, even my lovely friends because I feel like if I let go, I won’t be able to pull myself back and then I’m no use to anyone. Thank you for taking the time to respond, it really does mean so much. 

  • Offline in reply to Lucy1980

    It is no problem at all. I completely understand when you say it is lonely and having to hold back talking about it. I often feel lonely with this situation, it can be soul crushing. This seems like a safe and appropriate place to say the things you can't to those around you, for whatever reason. 

    My friends are there if I really need them, but I feel like its all I talk about and I don't want to burden them or bring them down. They also have their own lives and caring responsibilities with their children. But on the other hand talking about it makes me feel better. Its hard to be candid as you're always thinking about the other person's feelings.

    There are so many of us affected by this but we are separated by distance and circumstance so it does feel like we are alone. Yet everyone I talk to has a cancer story, whether its their own or someone close to them. 

    I was thinking of accessing counselling but I work full time and its always in work hours, plus its very expensive. Free to access counselling always seems to have caveats attached or you have to jump through hoops to get it. I guess its understandable given the demand.

    Feel free to message me anytime. Take care.

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