Hello, I am facing quite a big dilemma and have been for a while, I could really use some advice and it would be very much appreciated.

I am 20 and have been with my boyfriend (21)  for just under a year, he was diagnosed with cancer about 2 months ago and has been in chemo therapy ever since. I have been by his side at almost every chemo session and have been a big support system in his life, which I have no issues whatsoever , I love him so much and love being with him and want to be there for him as much as I can through this difficult journey. 

In the beginning things were scary but my partner still seemed happy and hopeful, and I still felt great in our relationship despite the diagnosis, but recently he seems less and less happy and interested in our relationship and life in general. At the moment any time I call him or see him, he seems so disengaged and muted. There  have been so many changes through these last months in terms of our relationship dynamic, physical stuff and my partner’s personality and emotions towards me and I sometimes struggle to feel secure in the relationship because so much has changed. I 100% sympathise that what he is going through is horrific and I can’t understand what the emotional and physical toll of having cancer is like. But at the same time I don’t know if I can constantly put my needs to the side as to not bother him. 

When I did bring up my anxieties about how I am worried his feelings have changed because of how muted and blunt he is towards me, a total opposite of how things used to be, he says it isn’t true, we always end up arguing because he snaps at me for bringing up how I feel because “his life is hard enough already” and “recently all we do is have conversations about how hard things are”. I get that, and I am not trying to be a burden, but I don’t think I can be in a relationship with someone in which I cannot ever speak about how I feel in fear that it will upset him and he will turn angry and colder than before I spoke. 

Last time I brought up how I felt he snapped at me and got really angry and upset, he was shouting and then crying and saying we need a break. So that is what is going on now, we are not speaking and he will reach out when he is ready. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know if I can stay in this relationship where I am expected to be happy and positive all the time when my partner nearly never is. I can’t be someone else’s soul source of happiness, the pressure is immense and the expectations are impossibly high. As much as I understand he is emotionally exasperated, and I try my best not to upset him, I am still a person and I have emotional needs too. 

I think if we broke up it would shatter him, I don’t want that either but I have no idea how to move forward, we really do love each other and are usually so connected and understanding towards each other, but now it feels like if anything is ever brought up there is no compassion, it is just a violation for even having spoke, considering his situation. 

If anyone has any advice on what I should do or even a similar experience I would really appreciate it. I love him and I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know how else to adjust.