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Bitter mother who blames everything on me including her cancer

Lucia-louise
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My mother never loved me like she does my sister and brother.  I was adopted and treated like the black sheep of the family, left out of family life and told my brother and sister are better than me.  She always had pictures of my brother and sister around the house but never any of me.  It was just all about them.  She told me when I was a child that she never wanted me and only adopted because she had to which will stay in my mind forever.  Shes emotionally damaged me since being a baby and is still doing it now.  

Shes got cancer which is stage 3 nearly stage 4.  Me and my partner have taken her for meals, sent expensive bunches of flowers, paid for hotels for them to watch us marry in Scotland and showeredin gifts.  We message every day to check in but she ever replies.

I had to ask my parents to lend me £100 until I got home later that day as my car cost several hundred pounds as the break discs etc had gone.  On asking my parents my dad was polite and kind even though he did not have any intention of lending me it.  My mum started screaming like I've never heard before.

She said I'm vile, disgusting, I lie, I'm not anything like my brother and sister and said I'd bullied her and my dad for years..which could not be further than the truth.  She started blaming me for her cancer, said I disgust her and they never wanted me anyway.  She brought up the abuse I suffered as a baby and said I deserved it.  When I raised my voice at her she then said if I ever say one wrong word again that she is going to the solicitor to take me out of her and my dads will.  Saying that my sister will get everything as I dont deserve a penny as I'm ev.  She said the solicitor knows how evil I am and that the solicitor will happily erase me from their will with pleasure. She said and never to contact my sister as everything is hers.

I feel emotionally disturbed by this and I'm unable to forgive her.  I've cut her off for now and am waiting for an apology which I know will never come.  Had to cut her off as I'm scared of saying one wrong word as she will cut me and my son out of the will and my sons disabled and we need to invest in things for my son on the long term.

My dad is really upset he kept telling her to calm down and you cant do that just for no reason.  She really is horrid and I've battled with mental health for years because of her and now everything has come back again 

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    Hi there,

    Omg I'm horrified reading this, I'm so sorry. This is abuse and she is trying to destroy you with her anger and bitterness. Cancer or no cancer, she has no right to treat you this way and using an inheritance to keep you in her clutches is despicable. It's difficult but don't let money be the reason you stay around, however poor you are. You could find she's changed the will anyway as a final insult although your dad might change things if she pre-deceases him. I don't know why she is like she is but it's not your fault. You deserve love and respect, surround yourself with those that give it or cut them out of your life. My own mum can be difficult at times but there's a line and your mum has crossed it. Good luck with everything, I hope you find some peace in life x

  • Hello Lucia-louise and welcome to the Cancer Chat community.

    I am so sorry to read what you have been through with your mother. I can't begin to imagine how upsetting and difficult it has been to be on the receiving end of what she has said and how she has treated you over the years but I think you have been very brave and have made the right decision to no longer have any contact with her.

    As Boomer1965 has said, this sounds like emotional manipulation and abuse which, even without the cancer diagnosis, is not acceptable and she has no right in treating you this way. You need to look after yourself and your family and be surrounded by people who recognise what a wonderful and caring person you are, and if your mother is incapable of doing that then removing her from your life for the moment is a good idea, especially if it is impacting on your mental health once more.

    I'm not sure from your post if you have ever spoken to anyone about the abuse your mother has subjected you to but if not, and if you feel comfortable doing so, it may be worth reaching out to someone to talk to about this. Whether that be your GP, through counselling or a mental health charity such as Mind, there is always someone who is available to help and ready to support you in any way they can at this very difficult and challenging time.

    In addition to the lovely support and advice you have received from Boomer1965, I'm sure some of our other members who have been in similar situations with their loved ones will offer their thoughts and advice to you soon as well.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline in reply to Boomer1965

    Hi Boomer, thank you taking time out to reply as this has made me feel stronger and more able to cope with this horrible situation.  I'm still stunned by how anyone, especially a mother could treat a family member like that.  Shes turned in to a crazy angry women who's got so much hatred inside which now all directed at me.  I've not even had an apology.  Alli i get off everyone now, is why have you upset mum?  I'm so confused as I've done nothing wrong.  I now know that all her true feelings have come to the surface and I'm going to be the one in the firing line and be to blame for all of this, more so when she dies.  It's awful it hurts like crazy and that's why I've had to walk away because if I dont this will haunt me forever xx

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Steph

    Hi steph, thank you for your supportive reply.  I've just cried for 2 days now I know my dying mum has so much anger towards me.  I felt like an abandoned child the way she screamed and patronised me.  I'm so confused as to why she would treat me this way.  She has always wanted her biological children more and has always compared me to them.  I am gobsmacked as I wouldnt eeven treat a sttay dog the way she treated me.  I have just dealt with my demons caused by the abuse I suffered as a child.  My so called mum has just triggered it off again and I know when she dies that I have to deal with her death and more so knowing the extent of how my evil mother and how she feels about me has knocked my world upside down. I look at the situation from an outside view and it's clear to see how bad she really is.  Thank you for your supportive message it means a lot xx

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Steph

    Hi steph..

    Thank you for your support I didnt realise there was other people who have  been through this with their mother too.  I'm still gobsmacked and dont have any words to explain the extent of how cruel she is.  I've always been the source of the blame and so has my son as we both know what she is like.  I really am disgusted at how she feels she can take anger out on me when I have done all I can to make her feel loved and cared for.  More than my sister and brother have.  I know I will never forgive her and when shes passed away it be a bad memory on my side as in a way it will a relief too as its escape from the enitional abuse and being the source of all the blame.  I've booked a councilling session for an hour tomorrow.  Once I've had this session I will be put all the pain and sadness in to an imaginary box and lock it and throw it away.  Because up until meeting my hubby to be last year I've only had myself for support as noone else really cared.  The only way to deal with it was to talk it through with a professional and then box it and throw it.  Sounds crazy but it works.  Thank you for your support this has helped me so much xx

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