Hi all,

My wife over the past year has endured so much. She was diagnosed with breast cancer, fertility treatment with home injections which I had to administer, egg retrieval, her cancer was her2+ oestrogen led so I'm certain that the cancer responded to the injections which made it so angry that she needed 5 months of chemo with pretty much ALL the side effects then a DIEP reconstructive mastectomy. She's has really been through it, is currently recovering from the surgery and it's been excruciating to watch and not be able to do one single thing to make her better. The nurses and doctors have been nothing short of exceptional but now the cancer is officially gone, and I know I should be relieved and happy, I'm still carrying this panic, saddess and the feeling that the "all-clear" was somehow a mistake because we've just had bad news after bad news piled on top of us. Maybe it's because I know she's going to be OK now so I'm finally processing what has happened over the last year. Maybe it's because during the last year my thoughts got really dark, especially on her surgery day, and I'm processing those too. Maybe by writing this all down and staring at it it will all sink in that we've had the worst year of our lives and made it. I guess I wanted to see if it was just me that this is happening to. I also feel a little guilty expressing all of this when my physical health is fine. My wife said throughout her treatment that she would rather have the treatment than watch me go through it and that's starting to make sense more and more. I just don't know what to do, sometimes I'm fine then something will wash over me like a wave of dread and I'm sad again. Any advice from someone that's either going through this or is out the other side would be invaluable.

Thanks for reading.