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My amazing mum has a brain tumour - personality changes

L-laPJ
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Hi

Im so sorry to ask for advice before I’ve helped anyone else but I feel so lost and don’t know where to turn. My amazing mum is end of life… she had primary stage 1 lung cancer removed 2022 then from that point onward she was given the “all clear” but I noticed mum changing so much, at first she was just angry, lacking a bit in empathy, but I put it down to what she had been through? Last summer she started having what felt like totally unwarranted rages at me? I then had a really out of the blue health drama with my neck which resulted in me having to have major surgery and a big recovery last autumn…. When I came back to life properly my husband mentioned to me that my mum had been really odd and quite mean to my daughter during that time (something my mum would never ever of been, she always used to make it clear she was my and my daughters greatest fan!) if I hadn’t of been going through my operation I am sure I would of pushed her to get checked first? But I did before Christmas insist she see someone, they scanned her brain and from January when they told her she had a brain full of tumours I’ve lost more and more of my mum. I know this is nothing compared to what she is going through, and the doctors have explained to me that this isn’t my mum saying these things, it’s the cancer, but it’s still my mum who is furious with me. It’s always out of the blue but almost daily now, she suddenly turns on me and tells me “I’m a disappointment to her, selfish, disloyal, god so many more horrible things…. And I’m sttruggling so much as I know we are near the end and I don’t want to spend eternity thinking my mum felt that about me? I’m devisatated anyway to loose my incredible mum. I can’t step back from her as she has none else, no friends or partner, I’ve not got siblings etc… mum needs my help, but I can’t bear how much she is hating me. She told me today I made her cancer worse and she hoped I regretted this forever! Yet I’m honestly being really there for her, helping her every day, loving her, taking her everywhere’s etc …

so my question if you’ve made it this far is has anyone had similar and a) how did you self preserve these rages? B) how did you help your loved one not feel like this? 

thanks

and love to you all x

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    Hi, was in the exact same situation, five weeks ago my mother turned quite nasty, I moved in with her in August 2020 when she received small cell lung cancer diagnosis and gave up my full time job to care for her.  She started immunotherapy which was a brilliant success however recently I’d noticed her personality at times changed.  In January a brain scan revealed that although the immunotherapy had worked on her lungs and liver, a 3cm tumour was in her brain.  She has always been appreciative of everything I had done, but then suddenly she was very belligerent about everything.  At one point I was sobbing and she just sat there playing with her phone, no empathy at all very unlike her.  I phoned the macmillan helpline who assured me that this was not my mother it was the cancer, it helped a little having that conversation but still hurt.

    i resolved that I didn’t want to remember our relationship this way so made a real effort to be less sensitive and more patient with her, didn’t want to look back and have any regrets.

    This tumour has now gone into overdrive, 2.5 weeks ago there were no physical symptoms and now she is on morphine and anti sickness through a syringe driver, in a hospital bed in our lounge.  The nasty personality has gone, when she is lucid she is sweet and apologising all the time for ‘being a nuisance’ I keep reassuring her she isn’t.  It’s heartbreaking.

    Despite the hurt you know that this is not your mum but the cancer talking, it’s hard but it’s the truth.

    i don’t know if this helps, but i do feel your pain and you are not alone 

    Xxx

     

  • Offline in reply to Georgiw

    Oh wow it’s like you and I are living the same life at the moment! 

    im so sorry for what you’re going through and I feel your sadness…. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and let me know I’m not alone. 

    like your mum my mum is progressive fas

    t and she is being taken into oncology tomorrow.  It sure what the next few weeks will hold but thank you for telling me your there too.

    love to you both x 

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    I'm so sorry you are in this position it sounds to me you love your mother very much and have a tight bond. What I can say is it sounds as if we are in the same situation  but the coin flipped, I have one child a daughter my beautiful daughter does everything for me, I had my cancer move to my brain multiple lesions ops, my daughter said I changed happy one minute then snappy and cruel, I as her mother love her immensely and when I remember what happens feel guilty that I should be punished I feel frightened but I love her so much, as of two weeks ago I lost my friendship with my best friend she text me saying I was calling her at three am in the morning abusive I honestly don't remember I text her to apologise perfusley as she wouldn't pick the phone up she text to say never call again. All I can say as a mother is I know your in pain but try and see your mother through your eyes as the mother who cared and was always there for you , this is not her fault if like me when she does remember she is most probably angry , frightened, my biggest fear is not being able to see my daughter please please don't lose faith I am a catholic prayer every y , if you believe in god even if your not religious try and pray by yourself he is there for all of us, but please love your mother and understand this is not her what she is saying is not her, the brain is very complex when damaged this is what sometimes happens , I'm here if you want to talk you sound like a lovely child and that's all because of your upbringing, god bless you I will put you in my prayers maggcarmen

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