I feel tonight that I can’t cope.
I’ve tried to be strong for four years but can’t see the end. I’m an only child and have 4 children, youngest is 10.
Dad is very ill in hospital and mum has serious health issues at home. I try to go to see dad every day but mum insists on coming as well. Due to her physical disability, This makes the journey more physically and emotionally draining. She won’t accept how bad things are and says silly things such as “ he was a bit perkier today, he’ll be home next week” and won’t accept the inevitable. Her own health is deteriorating. Partially because she won’t take basic things seriously such her own need to take medication and the fact that she won’t sleep or rest. She’s never lived alone and says she can’t at 84 so I have to stay over. I can’t sleep here as the house is always too hot.
I’ve started grieving for dad and feel so angry that he’s suffering after suffering for so long. I’m angry with my mother for making things mor difficult and angry at myself for feeling this way.
I just want to take the kids and run away from it all. My back aches constantly and I have found a lump in my breast. My gp doesn’t like the look of it and has referred me 3 weeks ago “you should hear from them within wo weeks but if you don’t hear in 4 weeks come back to me as a lot of people get lost in the system. “
I worry about the way that the hospital are taking care of dad. Communication at handover is poor with basic info such as broken bones not communicated. The consultant has told me that blood results show the disease is progressing more rapidly than expected, could be a few days. Yet the physios and healthcare assistants are getting him out into a chair twice a day and saying “if we don’t keep him mobile he’ll lose the use of his legs”. He looks frail and exhausted in a chair and I’m worried he’ll fall as he’s quite delirious. There are new staff/ agency nurses on the ward every day and they don’t seem to realise how I’ll he is.
I also feel so guilty as I know he’d prefer to die at home.
