I'm so very sorry to read this, my heart goes out to you both. I wonder if it's a "man thing" to play down the seriousness, its very much a "woman thing" to do all the worrying I think....this is what I'm finding with me and my husband anyway. I think it's maybe because they feel it's their role to be brave and carry on? And he copes better if I don't get upset in front of him. But this isn't about me ....I'm sorry I've no knowledge of your husband's cancer type or treatments, but I felt so sad when you said you find it too hard to hug him now, when you both need that comfort so much. I'm a great believer in quality not quantity and laughter trumps tears every time.....maybe you'll take great comfort, now and in the future, if you can try to focus on doing things together that you enjoy. You say he is still physically fit and active, maybe you can still go for walks or drives in beautiful scenery, enjoy good food and wine together, watch favourite telly shows, spend time with your children and grandchildren.....simple things that make you smile. The mind can't focus on two things at once so push the pain back, don't let it crowd out the love and joy you still have for your beloved husband. Cancer has already taken up so much of your time and energy, don't allow it to rob you of even more....I hate the expression "you have to fight it" because how can you actually fight against something so physically overwhelming? But you can decide how much you want it to control your thoughts and life together.  More than ever now, your husband needs your love, hugs and assurance that you will be ok, no matter what. He'll be terrified for you, wondering how you'll cope without him and if you can show a positive outlook, that will help. Remember all those friends who said "if there's anything I can do to help" when he was diagnosed? Well this is their time to shine! Use them as your support network......go for a coffee with a girlfriend and talk, cry, rage, anything you need to do.....then you'll be better equipped to go home and spend positive time with your husband. Encourage him to spend time with his male friends, he needs an outlet for his feelings too and there may be things he feels he can't say to you for fear of upsetting you. 

I really hope you can find a way through this.....with fifty years of love between you I'm sure you're both much stronger than you know. 

Hello Catlady H,

Thank you so much for your kind words.  However, the problem for me is that if/when my husband passes, I will be entirely alone.  We are very 'self-contained' as a couple.  I do not have any women friends, and he has no male friends.  No-one is there to support us.  We do have three adult children.  However, one has entirely disowned us for 23 years now, and the other two have their own lives and troubles.  For instance, my younger daughter recently suffered a traumatic miscarriage, and the D & C she had to have afterwards rendered her unable to have any more children.  She now states that she is entering an early menopause.  She does not have the psychological or material resources to help me, and I would not impose on her now.  She has just started to find her feet now, looking after her son, who will now be an only child, plus a dog, which is a recent addition to the family and a part-time job.  However, she tells me that her marriage is troubled.  My son, who is getting married this summer, has had a rift with his father, to whom he was previously close, and, again, has his own life to live.

Right now, I feel that I really do not want to go on if/when my husband dies.  I want to die with him.  This is an entirely rational perspective.  I do not want to live as an isolated widow alone (neither of my children live anywhere near me), and neither do I want to have a relationship with, or marry another man.  He is everything to me.  I am also aware of the volatile political situation in the world, and the talk of war.  I certainly do not wish to survive my husband only to perish in such a conflict.  Sorry to be so candid.  But this is the way I feel.  I am still hoping that there will be something that can improve things for my husband and enable him to live as long as possible. I also hope for peace in the world.