Hi all,
Don't really know where to start and it's a bit of a doozy so apologies for the long post.
My dad is suffering from terminal laryngeal cancer above his trachea. Treatment has failed and we've been told he only has months left. This is the third different primary cancer he's had, starting back in 2013.
He first had cancer and surgery in 2013 in his jaw and upper throat, and got the all clear after a tough 6months recovery and treatment. Fast forward to 5 years to 2018, shortly after his 'all clear' cancer free 5 year goal we found out it had come back in his tongue. He recovered from that after a shorter treatment period.
Flash forward to April 2023, where he was in hospital for a hernia and following up with trouble breathing. We thought maybe he got covid from the ward but got the news of a growth was back above his trachea.
it was a complete gut punch. He went through 31 rounds of radiation as surgery wasn't possible and he isn't strong enough for chemo. He was given a tracheostomy and Stomach rig right away as his breathing deteriorated and it became impossible to eat.
He completed treatment in July and we felt positive. Doctors said it looked good. But last few clinics have shown not only was it still there, but last visit showed it had grown about 6x in size. It's impossible to operate and if it wasn't for the tracheostomy we have been told he wouldn't be alive right now as its completely blocked his airway (the tumor is above thankfully so the tracheostomy is protected).
They threw around a lot of Bleak words, and the gist of it is we're looking at months. Feels like fighting a huge battle only to come out the loser.
I just don't know how to cope. I've been his primary carer each time he's gone through treatment, and this time it's the same. I've been attending each clinic and just seeing the tumor get worse is horrible. I was hoping he would have managed to fight this a third time, and getting the news we're looking at months feels impossible to compute. We had a holiday planned that was cancelled 3 times and now he (fairly) has no interest in going on. He can't eat or speak. Losing weight consistently and is just a shell of who he was. It feels like this 10 year journey of slowly watching the dad I knew fade away to the point I can't even remember how he was before he got sick, it's just been so constant in our lives.
I'm only 29 and it just feels so unfair that I'm losing my dad. I want to scream and cry but I feel like I have to keep a brave face on.
I have siblings but they've been totally uninvolved throughout. They've mentioned previously they can't handle it but I just want to yell that I can't either but I also can't just leave him and be uninvolved, I know I'm choosing to look after him but it makes me so angry that they're so apathetic to it all.
Friends I've had for years have been out of contact, I feel like I can't talk to them as they don't understand and change subject if I try to talk about it so I just feel very isolated.
Hospice has been wonderful and his care team is very kind but I just don't know how to cope. I just feel completely listless. I just want to sleep and turn off and struggle to feel any motivation, but also feel that I can't shut down as I'm essentially my dads only contact as of now, and deal with all of the doctors and nurses etc. It's just a lot.
Sorry for the ramble but just hoping for some comforting words or any advice. I feel like I'm in a state of grief but he hasn't died yet, if you've gone through similar-how did you cope? I'm so close with my dad and I don't know how I'm going to get through this.
I'm sorry for anyone who has reason to be on this forum and appreciate any kind words of advice.
