Hi Wicky,

It sounds as if you are all at breaking point and need some outside help.

I am so sorry to hear that things have come to this stage with your mum. I nursed my own mum with secondary breast cancer and my parents-in-law with other cancers, and they all reacted in different ways. Their characters did change, some got angry, some frightened, some just plain fed up with their situations, others thought that someone had been in the house and was stealing things, while another thought that because family had power of attorney, that they were misappropriating their savings. We also heard some swear words that I had never heard any oft hem utter before and I was surprised that they even knew some of them!

Some of these feelings were perfectly understandable, others were really upsetting, especially as, when we were seeing to most of their needs, these came from our own pockets and none of the family, would ever in a million years, have stolen from them. Working from home, when your mum is living with you, will mean that you never really get a break from all this. This is something that you do need, even if only for a short time. You will probably find that, as you are the person closest to her most of the time, the majority of the abuse is hurled at you, although I'm sure that it's not meant to be. Don't let this upset you. You just can't do right for doing wrong. This does unfortunately happen, even though you are obviously doing all that you can for her. Do you have any siblings, who could help with her care?

My in-laws were also extremely deaf and I know just how frustrating it can be, when you have to keep repeating things. Does she wear a hearing aid? If so, has it been checked recently to see if it can be upgraded? If not, perhaps it is time that she had one.

What treatment has she had for her breast cancer? Some of these can alter the taste of food and can make catering for these changes difficult. Does she still manage to eat the food that you provide, or is she leaving most of it? If this is the case, she can get some build up drinks and puddings supplied on prescription, to keep her calorie intake up. I can understand that she is struggling with her stoma. This can take some getting used to. Has she had any visits from the stoma nurse to help her with this?

We eventually brought carers in for my in-laws. They came in 4 times a day to attend to my mother-in-law, who also had dementia and became incontinent. Although this was an intrusion into the family home, it was the only way that we could eventually cope. If you are being disturbed at night, Marie Curie or Macmillan can provide someone to sit with your mum, so that you can all get some sleep. Has your mum been provided with a hospital bed? This can be helpful for bathing her, or dealing with accidents from the stoma. All of these things can be arranged through the hospital social worker.

Your mum will have a specialist nurse. It would be well worth talking to her and telling her exactly how you feel, before you break down completely. You are the kingpin in your mum's care and you need to look after yourself too, as you cannot afford to be ill at present. Ask her nurse if she can make any suggestions as to how you can be helped. Unfortunately, carers are often taken for granted, until they can no longer cope. There is help available and you deserve to have it.

There is another option, if things become impossible, although I don't know how your mum would feel about this. Have you though of hospice care? She may not be ready for this yet, but it is sometimes hard to get a place when you need it. Making contact with the hospice and putting her name on the list, is also a possibility.

I wish that I could provide some real solutions to the challenges that you are facing, but sadly, I don't think that there are any. However, I hope that some of these suggestions might help. Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx