I can relate to this because when my wife was going through chemo, she ended up in hospital after each and every chemo cycle with massive temp spikes, and other stuff going on. One of those times was over Christmas, and whilst I'm not big on Christmas myself, she is and it wasn't the same without her that year. i too sat in the house, a picture of misery and worry.

Sorry, it's not an uplifting post, and i don't want to patronise you will well-worn cliches etc, I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in feeling how you are. Some of us have been there and know exactly how you're feeling. The good news is, they've identified the culprit, and that's a positive amongst a deluge of crap. They can treat it properly now.

Thank you so much for your reply.  I know it’s just another day but we normally spend it together.  In fact I am spending the day in Critical Care, do at least we’re together at the moment. Yes must hang on to the  positive but finding it difficult.  Thank you again. x

It's your thread, your space to vent, complain, cry or whatever you feel like doing. Don't feel like you're overdoing the grief part, you're not. Some people have others around them to share their grief with, some people don't. Your life has been turned upside down, and nothing prepares you for this. Nothing even prepares you for being sat in a room being told your partner has cancer. You think you have it all sussed out how you will react receiving such news, but until you've walked the walk, you don't know. Sitting in a hospital watching the person you love on the edge is traumatising. My wife is 2 years out from treatment, and I'm still traumatised by some of the stuff i witnessed. I'm only glad our kid chose to remain at school. I've been on propranolol (for severe anxiety) since all this and it's been 2 years. I wish i could say things get better, but I'm feeling exactly like i did 2 years ago. Without medication, i would probably not be functioning as i am. So here i am 2 years later, and here you are a handful of days later dealing with something more life changing.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. The fact you're even talking is a massive thing. Some people just shut themselves away and sink ever deeper into that pit of despair. You know yourself you have to still face the second-worst part of all this in a few days day with the funeral, so, no you're not complaining at all.  Don't just disappear from here because you think you're putting a downer on things.

I was supposed to mention this in another post, but my name is Keith. Feels wrong, remaining behind some forum name i conjured up in 2 seconds.

Hi Keith, it’s nice to know your name.  I am of course not Urbanlily.  My name is Wendy.  When I realised my lovely Steve had cancer, I was surprised but the treatment outcome seemed very positive.  I’m thinking of asking my GP for something to help me get through this.  I’m not trying to avoid working through the situation but sometimes I just want to feel a bit more relaxed.  I am normally quite an outgoing, sociable person and the idea of grieving in solitude is my worst nightmare.  However, my normal outgoing, sociable self seems to be in reverse.  I actually don’t recognise my personality at the moment.  It is such an antithesis to how I am.  I would much rather talk than try to do everything alone.  I’m definitely more of a socialite than a loner.  I really do appreciate our conversations.  Wx

All the regulars around here are really nice people, and have their own stories, and a nicer bunch of people you will never meet. So please never think people are thinking you shouldn't be complaining.

I think the real problem is the lack of sleep. Once that returns somewhat, you'll begin to feel semi-human again. From experience, i would leave sleeping tablets as a last resort. I tried them for 2 nights and hated them. They kinda worked, but it didn't feel like a natural sleep. Plus, you can become very reliant on them. I got given something else, but the name escapes me, and they were awful too. Propranolol doesn't zombie you. You still feel yourself. The first week on them, i felt kinda tired, but never felt the need to lie down for a sleep. They block your adrenaline (beta blockers) so you lose that knot in your stomach, and that constant on edge feeling. I didn't even think they were working until I realised i no longer had that on edge feeling and the knot in my stomach. They're nothing like Valium etc. Valium, zombifies me. I initially didn't want anything, but my blood pressure was going high due to the stress and anxiety, so i was given them. Blood pressure returned back to normal.

This isn't me preaching to you for drinking a bottle of wine the other night, but that is a very easy trap to fall into without even realising it. You begin to think, i can't sleep, but i slept like a baby after drinking that vodka, so i know it works. I lost my dad at a young age (around when i was 18), and drink was the only thing that got me to sleep. It nearly killed me.

Hi Keith.  Thank you for your reply.  I guess I’m not used to discussing such difficult feelings.  A new experience for me.  I think you’re right about the sleep.  I got a bit more last night so still feel exhausted but not so bad.  I have to say, I’m not really a fan of sleeping tablets or tranquilizers.  Had a bad experience with them when I was younger, but they may be more sophisticated now.  I would love to lose that stomach knot.  It’s awful. I spoke to the funeral directors this morning and have an appointment on Monday and as usual recently I burst into tears.  They were very kind.  I agree about the alcohol.  Definitely something to be careful about, but it did give me a few hours of “relief”.  Lovely to talk to you as always x

Hi Wendy.

Thought i'd give you a few days to sort some of the stuff out before popping back in, plus I had a migraine and couldn't look at this white screen for a few days for too long, and didn't want to type much in case you responded and i had you ignore you for a couple of days. Weirdly, the days following the migraine are always worse than the actual day of the headache. Have to wear sunglasses for a few days.

Enough about me, have you made any progress with your sleeping? How is your eating? Improved any?

Lovely to hear from you Keith.  Sorry  you haven’t felt too well.  Hope you’re ok now.   I have decided to sleep on a futon type bed downstairs.  I hate trying to sleep in our bedroom at the moment.  My eating is a bit better although I still feel that my stomach is being consumed by maggots.  Organised the funeral today.  A friend came with me.  We went for a coffee and a walk by the river.  I kept it together until we parted on the way home and I burst into tears in the street but I didn’t  care. I couldn’t stop it anyway.    I have joined a place where they do yoga, meditation, tai chi etc.  I know it won’t stop the feelings but may be it will give me a bit more balance.  No idea yet though.  Thank you so much for asking.  Much appreciated.  Wx

I was going to suggest sleeping elsewhere if you could, because that could have been half the problem. But didn't know your set-up, and didn't want to just assume. Some people get comfort from it, but I'm like you, just too much to deal with. When my wife was in hospital all those weeks, the bed felt like the loneliest place in the world.

Organising the funeral was always going to be a massive moment because that surreal feeling will still be cushioning you to an extent, and that just adds another layer of reality to things. Glad your eating has improved, albeit slightly. But better than going the other way.

I tried yoga once, and it nearly put me in hospital. hahaha. Since i was in my early 20's I've suffered from back issues, and the doctor said to try it. Oooft, i could barely walk for a week. I've seen folk 90+ in better condition than i was after that. Now middle aged, and it would probably do a lot more damage now. Walking and swimming is about my limit now. Used to go mountain climbing, but too paranoid I'd have a back episode halfway up somewhere like Ben Nevis.

My portable bed arrangement doesn’t make my front rom look very tidy but I díd feel a bit better and hopefully it’s only temporary.  For some reason I feel frightened at night, another new experience, so still not sleeping brilliantly.  I have to notify everybody about the funeral and a myriad other things.  I took some herbal ‘tranquilizers’ yesterday.  Feel a bit strange today.  Perhaps they aren’t for me.   I haven’t done yoga for a long time either, so not sure about it.  Sorry to hear about your back but swimming a great exercise.  I won’t be trying Ben Nevis either.  I just wish I could feel ‘normal’ again.  Wx

When my husband is in hospital ( which is quite often) I sleep on the sofa in the sitting room. The advantage is that I get some sleep, the disadvantage is that by the time he is discharged, I'm hobbling around with a backache.

I just popped in to say that grief is overwhelming and unpredictable, there are no rules, and no set timescale. Be kind to yourself. The best advice anyone ever gave me wa after the death f my mother,it was a simple card that just said " Be sad and take your time"

that is great advice.... we just have to sometimes give ourselves the space to feel what we are feeling 

that is great advice.... we just have to sometimes give ourselves the space to feel what we are feeling 

And we so rarely give ourselves that grace