Hi Janny,

I’m going through the same thing and have just posted on here. I lost my Dad suddenly in August this year :( and mums constant told us mum has a ‘small’ life expectancy, but we don’t know exactly how long

You’re not alone, and I bet you’re doing an amazing job at supporting your mum.

have a good cry, let it all out. It’s horrible isn’t it, no one seems to know what to say. I feel like a burden, always bloody crying! At really inappropriate times too!!!  ;)

Deep breaths seem to help me, and make sure you do what makes you happy when you can

xx

Thank you so much Cabby, I really appreciate that and am so sorry to hear about your situation too.  You are so right, it’s an awful position to be in and feeling so helpless… I’m an organiser, a bossy boots really if you had asked my dad, but at the moment I feel completely inadequate. I am quite a few hours drive away from mum too which makes me feel so guilty that I’m not there all the time for her. I don’t know about you, but I try so hard not to cry in front of or in earshot of mum as don’t want to upset her more. I hope you have lots of support around you to help you support your mum and you will still be grieving your dad too, it’s awful. I bet you are far from a burden, but I do know what you mean. My poor husband is walking on eggshells around me because I’m on such a short fuse at the moment, I can snap at any given time for little or no reason. Thank you so much for your reply and your advice, that was really kind of you. xx

Good morning Janny, 

How are you today, did you get a good nights sleep?

I’m sure you are having a positive impact on your mum, do you FaceTime? My mum is only around the corner from me, but we FaceTime before bed, then I know she’s safe and tucked up, and yes, she did need lots of training on her mobile :)

I try not to cry in-front of mum, i struggle as she doesn’t open up about how she feels, probably because she doesn’t want to upset me :(

Do you get any support from the hospice? We have someone coming out Tuesday to see what mum needs. I’m hoping that’ll help mum too and having someone different to talk to and it will be good for her.

I have lots of support, but, silly of me, I don’t want to bother them, that’s why I thought I would reach to others who understand :)

I hope you have a good day xx

Hi Cabbs

Thanks so much for your message. I managed to sleep for a few hours but was awake from around 3am with my mind whirling. I hope you fared a little better? I do speak to mum two or three times a day and I try to get to see her every other week if work allows (I run my own business), but she has a little old Nokia phone which she refuses to part with so I can't FaceTime her unless my brother is there with his phone! I have a rotten cold a the moment and can't risk her getting it but as soon as I manage to get rid of it, I will be back up to see her. Can I ask where is your mum's cancer if that's not too much? My mum's is in her stomach and peritoneum, stage 4.

Your mum sounds exactly the same as mine - she keeps her cards very much close to her chest and I have very rarely see her cry. I think the word is stoic! But I worry that she is bottling it all up. I am like you too, I have lots of support but feel that everyone will be fed up listening to me and having to mop up tears. This is why these chats are so helpful because you know that there is someone else going through exactly the same as you are. 

I have tried to keep busy today working to try and distract me, but as you will know too, that is easier said than done isn't it? It's always there and it won't go away. At least I have had time to grieve for my dad and I feel so awful for you having to deal with this so soon after losing your dad. 

The nurse yesterday was talking about arranging the Macmillan and District nurses soon and also about hospices - we have two close to where mum lives so I am not sure which she will go to - of course, if that is what she wants. Everyone has been so helpful though, the doctors and nurses, they couldn't do any more to help.  They have also suggested some groups for mum to go to to speak to other terminally ill patients, and she seems quite open to that so maybe I will take her along to some.

I hope that you have managed to have a good day today. It's a relief in a way to speak to someone who is exactly where you are, who understands.

Jan x

Hi, I was in a similar position when my dad got diagnosed with terminal cancer. It completely took over my life. I didn’t eat or sleep I ended up on anti depressants and was off work a lot in the 18 months my dad was alive, work wasn’t a distraction for me at all. I just cried all day. There wasn’t a day I didn’t cry in 18 months, and there hasn’t been a day I haven’t cried in the 4 days since he passed. I tried to stay strong for him but it was terrifying the thought of him no longer being here. My dad was so brave he was amazing and the most important person in my life. The thought of it all was absolutely unbearable. You are not alone in your feelings it’s because we love them so much. He was my everything and he continues to be so. I cared for my dad at home at the end with my mum but we are so traumatised by it all. It’s a terrifying time my heart goes out to you. Sending you so much love xxx

4 months since he passed sorry xx

Good morning Jan :)

Oh no, not being able to sleep is the worst! Lucky for me I have no trouble sleeping once I’m asleep, I do have trouble drifting off sometimes so I listen to rain sounds. That helps but sometimes it annoys me, so I switch it off :) Have you ever tired sleep sounds? They really stop you thinking for a enough time to drift off.

Mum has breast cancer and secondary breast cancer. It’s traveled to her liver and more to her bones. We don’t have a stage, we have a face to face appointment with mums consultant in 2 weeks time to find out more.

The hospice have been so lovely already, it makes it so real though and I cry every time I talk to them :( Better to let it out. They’re so understanding and kind. Let them help as much as they can. Mum had an original call with them and said that we didn’t need help, thankfully they sent a letter following her call so I could call them back! :)

i hope you feel better soon so you can visit your mum again. Try to do stuff to make you happy. Last night I went for a moonlight swim in a swimming lake near me, it was freezing!! But let me forget for a bit and made me feel alive! Today me and my little niece and nephew are going to mums to paint her new banister :D It’s the little things :)

I better go and get dressed, otherwise they’ll be wondering where I am….

Hope you have a peaceful day,

Carrie xx

This is me now so completely in it, dad just got diagnosed and I’ve flown back to look after him. I’m just crying constantly, I feel completely lost, I’ve been signed off sick at work and I’m petrified of losing him. 

I don’t know how to be happy. My partner is miserable too he doesn’t have a job as we’ve just come back from South Africa as dad had to have emergency surgery. I don’t know what to do about my job. I thought I would be stronger in all of this but I’m not. I’m a mess. I just want to hug him, and I can’t stop thinking about all the moments we’re going to miss like my wedding or my children. 

I feel so totally alone. Sending everyone love. Just the worse thing to ever have to live through.