My grandmother has cancer. She was initially diagnosed in in August 2022, she was diagnosed with bowel cancer. She had a full 12 hour operation to remove her bowl. I was told that she was okay and the operation went well. To say that there was a sense of peace and relief in my soul would be an understatement. I thanked the Lord and I felt so happy.

My grandmother lost my grandfather in the December, so to say she has been through a lot. To be diagnosed and then to loose your husband during this time. It pains me deeply that she has had to suffer this. My grandmother means so much to me, she is my everything and more. She is such a big part of my life and I thank God for her each and every day. 

To provide some context my Mum had me young and she did struggle, so I was often with my grandparents. Mostly my grandmother as my grandfather was at work. They did make my childhood and have been there every step of the way for me. My grandmother has never let me down, she is just my everything. She is like a Mum to me.

We found out this week that the cancer is back. The cancer is now in both of her Lungs. They have said more chemo & different treatment. To hear this four months after her op and less than a year after my grandad has broken me. I feel lost, scared, frightened and emotions to the point I feel I am going crazy, or will go crazy through fear and pain. I want to know if my emotions ae normal, or if anyone has had any similar feelings.

I am usually a calm and kind person. I feel a rage and anger in my soul that I have never ever felt. I am snappy, moody and often angry over small things. I will often snap at those closest to me, on a few occasions at my grandmother. I then feel guilty and hurt for being this person. I have never been this person so this is out of character. So now I am scared to be around my loved ones or go to work or be around friends.

I struggle to be around my grandmother or look at her as when I do I a consumed by a great sadness, and hurt and then I will often cry. AGAIN, feeling guilty for making this about me and not being strong for her. I physically don't know how to think of going through it all again. Before my job was impacted and I suffered depression. The thought of all that again is incomprehendable and makes me feel so so hopeless. I am constantly  crying so much, can't eat can't sleep and can't concentrate on anything. We don't know what the future holds and I genuinely could not live with out her. 

I am trying to be strong for her as that's the main thing. Any tips on how to stay strong for your loved one even when you are broken and hurting so bad.