I hate my father but he has cancer

Hi, I don't know if this is the right place to say this so please tell me and take it down if it is wrong. I'm finding it very hard to write this post because I have so many feelings that I'm not sure how to express, and I haven't been able to express them, so I am sorry if it is a little incoherent.

I am a sixteen year old girl and my father was diagnosed with cancer in 2019. I don't really know the details, but he had a big operation to remove his stomach and has been having other treatments peroidically since then. I struggled a lot with mental health problems from autism and adhd and school from 2019 to mid 2022, especially during the pandemic so I had very little contact with him then, as well as the risk of covid-19 preventing me from being near him. I didn't find it so hard then, maybe because I was younger and more distracted by my own problems but in the last year the whole situation has really taken a toll on me. I feel so guilty because he is the one experiencing all the horrible stuff and my family doesn't really talk about feelings (especially related to cancer) because he is very sensitive to any sort of criticism, so I am afraid to talk about my feelings about it. I'm afraid to talk about it here because I'm worried he'll feel hurt and cause more pain for my family.

I struggle to remember a lot but recently he's become really reactive and really mean. I feel enough resentment towards him for being unable to help in the house alongside working (I know it's unfair and that makes me feel even worse). Because he is reactive and I find it hard to put up with him being mean to my family my mother has said that it's better if I just try to stay out of his way. It is really hard, and I feel so conflicted because I want him to love me because he is my father but I hate being around him because I find his bad traits to be increasingly prominent as he undergoes treatment. It's even harder because it's so unpredictable.

It has been largely okay until recently, he has begun to be more and more abrasive to the point where it verges on verbal abuse to my mother. It is infuriating to see this man berate my own mother, who cares for him entirely and does nothing but show love towards him. It is like having another child in the house. Things she says are okay and then hours later they are suddenly not okay and he shouts at her and accuses her of not loving him and making things up about him and brainwashing me into hating him, which hurts the most because he blames my mother for my personal dislike of him and his behaviour.

It seems he simply doesn't have any capacity to think about anyone but himself anymore. Its so painful because I know it only comes from his own suffering yet it hurts our family so much, but I feel so guilty because he is providing for all of us, so he clearly does love us but it doesn't show in any more of his actions. He has been in more pain than usual recentl

I don't really know what's going on. I want to give examples but I never really know what's going on, all I know is that he makes us all feel awful and like we're walking on eggshells all the time. He takes up so much space in our home, we all have to just breathe in and walk silently around him because he is so volatile and we don;t want to hurt him. I hate that I can't get all my feelings about this across in one forum post. I feel so alone. I don't tell my friends about him or any of my feelings about it until it kind of slips out but there's never any detail. I feel so so lonely because no matter where I look online I can't find anyone who seems to feel like this and I'm starting to wonder if I'm just a horrible person.

There are often times when I wish I could just disappear so I don't have to take any more space up in the house. I feel a weird sense of shame around him. He is often too tired to clear up after himself and I feel such a seething rage and shame and guilt and pain when I see dirty cups and tissues and litter left around the house for my mother to pick up after him. I feel a strange urge to clean up after him constantly. When I see his things around the house I feel so angry.

Every time I speak to him or see him my eating disorder has been getting worse, I have been restricting more and more and I once again feel guilty because this is all my fault, it's all things I am doing as a reaction to him merely existing that's causing problems. I feel so self conscious around him, I dont want him to look at me because his gaze just reminds me of all the things I hate about myself. I am so afraid I will grow up to be like him and I feel so ashamed but the feelings are so strong and I'm scared that I will get to a point where I can't cope, especially when I start A-levels (school is very important to me).

I just hold so much resentment for him. From him simply not talking to me and then being angry that I don't talk to him to being isolated from my friends during the pandemic to the way he speaks to my mother (and the fact that I'm not allowed to feel defensive towards her), its been building for so long. The hipocrisy is the worst part. I remember crying over and over again to my therapist saying I dont understand why a 15 year old girl has to be the bigger person, has to be more mature than an almost 60 year old man.

The day before yesterday my mother said the reason he doesn't love me is because I am mean to him. I don't know what to do anymore and I think when school starts and I experience more stress from that I might reach a breaking point.

I'm sorry that this is just a splurge of words on a page, I hope this isn't inappropriate or hurtful to anyone I just feel so alone and I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped that I've considered suicide, I feel like my life is already over before I've turned eighteen because there is no room for me in my home.

The thing I'm most afraid of is me being wrong about all of this, and me making these problems up to justify my own long standing self-hatred. Sorry for this, I just need to get it out. I hope if anyone else in a similar situation to me sees this that they feel less alone.

  • I'm sorry this is so me me me all about me i just don't know enough about him to really say much else. I am okay I just don't want to feel so alone anymore

  • I don't know who's right and whose wrong but at a time like this it shouldn't be about that ,you obviously need a lot of help and I hope you can get it but from what you've written my feelings are for your poor parents ,life must be so hard for them as it is with your Dad having this terrible illness and your poor Mother stuck in the middle trying to keep the peace ,it sounds like your Mother loves her husband very much and wants to take care of him ,I wouldn't want to make it anymore difficult than it already is ,what a terrible situation please try and see it from your Parents view they must be suffering so much I would expect you to be helping in any way you can not holding grudges and hatred ,I do feel for you too because you are very young you need someone to explain how having cancer can affect your mind and attitude also I don't think you need to defend your Mother she will know what's involved in caring for her husband just let them get on with it or try to help out is my advice .

  • Hello Briochebread and welcome to Cancer Chat.

    I'm very sorry to read about your dad and how his diagnosis and behaviour has impacted you and the rest of the family.

    Living with, and looking after someone with a cancer diagnosis can be very difficult, especially when behavioural changes start to occur, but how you are feeling towards your dad, although must be very painful and bring about feelings of conflict, is completely understandable, natural and o.k. I can't begin to imagine how challenging it has been to cope with such a life changing situation at such a young age so if you can, try not to be so hard on yourself for feeling this way and please be reassured that it does not make you a horrible person.

    I can see from your post how tough life was for you during the pandemic and I'm sorry to hear it's got to a stage where you feel you're at breaking point, but we are here for you Briochebread and I really hope writing all this down has given you some release from everything that has been building up in your mind.

    I can see that you mentioned that you were seeing a therapist. I'm not sure from your post if you are still in contact with them now, but if not and you are still able to contact them, it may be worth reaching out to them again, especially if you found their support beneficial.

    When you start school again it may be worth speaking to the school counsellor there if you have one as they will do all they can to help and support you during your studies.

    There are other charities that you can get a lot of support and advice from as well. YoungMinds is a charity dedicated to helping young people look after their mental health and The Mix is the UK's leading support service for young people. They help anyone going through a challenging situation and have an online community just like ours where you can speak to other people of your age about what you are going through. They have a free confidential helpline you can call, and a counselling service.

    I know you've mentioned having suicidal thoughts to escape the pain this situation is causing, and then said you're o.k, but if these thoughts persist please do reach out to someone you trust and let them know how you are feeling. There is some really useful information on how to deal with suicidal thoughts on the mental health website Mind, but the Samaritans also offer a 24 hour service where you can speak to someone, without any judgement, on 116 123. If you don't feel comfortable speaking to them about this, you may find the helpline offered by the charity Papyrus more approachable. Hopeline247 is a service dedicated to the prevention of young suicide and the promotion of positive mental health and emotional well being in young people. Their advisers want to work with you to understand why thoughts of suicide might be present and provide you with a safe space to talk through anything happening in your life so if you feel like you may want to talk them to about any of this, you can do so on 0800 068 41 41.

    We are thinking of you Briochebread and sending all our strength and support your way.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator