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Why does mum seem to blame me?

WordsMatter
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Hi, 

My mum is dying of cancer and I understand that she will have all kinds of emotions and feelings. I try and support her and my family. I try and keep trouble and problems away from her, and do my best to avoid conflict. However, my sibling has behaved badly, and instead of discussing the issues with me like an adult, has gone to my mum to plead the victim. 

What I can’t understand is the way my mum is turning against me in favour of my sibling, who has a history of lying and manipulating.  I have a happy marriage, kind and loving children, and a healthy career, yet my mum is telling my children that I am jealous of my sibling. I have supported my sibling, and parents, and never asked, expected or wanted anything in return, yet I am being ostracised, and treated as though I am selfish and unkind. 

Is it common for  a parent to reject one child in favour of another when they are dying? Or is it something I have done wrong? I am trying so hard to be supportive of everyone, especially my mum, but I feel like walking away from the pain, and leaving them all to it. I know I won’t do that, but it is terribly hurtful and I don’t know how to cope with the rejection as well as the grief.

I know this sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, I suppose I am, but I just want to understand so I can forgive and continue to care during the awful months ahead. I’m hating myself more and more, and feeling like I must be the awful person my mum sees. 

Thanks. 

  • Offline

    Hello WordsMatter, 

    Poor you what a terribly stressful situation it must be. Dealing with your mum's terminal cancer already has an inevitable impact on how you are feeling but having to add to this all these family tensions and conflicts must make it really difficult to bear for everyone. It's really sad what is happening to you at the moment and that you are made to feel ostracised. Rest assured you don't seem to have done anything wrong - sadly these family tensions do often occur even though this is a time when you would all aspire to finding peace and harmony within the family especially if your mum is dying of cancer.  You seem to be incredibly supportive and it must be so hard to have to put up with these simultaneous feelings of rejection and grief. Please don't let any hurtful comments or vibes you are getting affect your self-esteem and make you hate yourself - you are not at all an awful person; you have a loving partner and children so try and focus on that and not on the negativity that is coming from these family tensions and which you are not responsible for. 

    I think it might be beneficial for you perhaps to consider getting some counselling to help you get through the coming days, weeks and months. You are having to deal with so much emotionally that you do need support to help you keep strong. Talking to a good counsellor about all this will I am sure help you find the right strategies to cope in this tricky situation. 

    I will now let our forum members come and say hello and share their insights with you. You're not alone I am sure in this situation and other members of our forum may have also found themselves in situations where such family tensions are making it even harder to look after a terminally ill relative. I hope they'll be along soon to share their story with you. 

    We're thinking of you during this challenging time. 

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline in reply to Moderator Lucie

    Family's are always difficult, she loves you just doesn't always seem so. Think of your own mental health ,enjoy life ,hope things improve. 

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