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Caring for mum: frustration

PennyMG
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Hi  

I apologise in advance because this might come off as more of a rant than a question 

 

my mum has has sl lung cancer for 3 years now but recently the drs said there is nothing else they can do. She had been given weeks to months left. She has continued to smoke several packs daily right the way through treatment( buying 200 cigs per week) and my siblings and I haven't been too hard on her as we know it's hard to stop. We've asked her even just to try to cut down. 
 

recently though she's getting more breathless and coughing lots (of course we understand this is part of what will be her deteriorating) but we've begged her to please at least try cut down smoking as she's sitting up all night chain smoking and is coughing and going into coughing fits though the day. I've had a chat with her and said that we have little time left together and I want her to be comfortable and happy this next while but I feel like she's quickening the process by smoking so heavily. I am her full time carer and it's taking a toll on me. 

 

I guess I'm just looking for how other people cope with their loved ones stubbornness and difficult behaviour whilst caring for them. I love my Mum so much and I am privileged to be caring for her in her last days but she fights me on everything I try help her with. For example she takes a sleeping pill at night but wil insist on getting up and stumbles about and I can't sleep for worrying about her falling, yet the next day she will just say she won't fall and I'm making a deal of nothing. It's like she doesn't realise how seriously I'll she is. 
 

if you have read this far Thankyou. I hope I'm not coming across as complaining about looking after my mum as I don't mind that.. I've cared for her since diagnosis. I'm just struggling at the moment.

P x 

  • Welcome to Cancer Chat, PennyMG

    I'm sorry to hear about your mother's diagnosis and the challenges you're encountering as her caregiver. It's normal to feel a mix of emotions, including frustration and concern, regarding her smoking and other behaviours.

    Caring for a loved one with a terminal illness can be physically and emotionally draining, and it's important to make sure you are taking care of yourself as well.

    I hope others who have experience as carers will be along shortly to chat with you and offer advice and support. In the meantime, you might want to check this page from our website called Family, friends and caregivers which has some tips on tips on how to support someone with cancer and how to take care of yourself. 

    Please know that you are not alone in this journey. We're always here for when you need a chat.

    All the best,

    Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hi PennyMG,

    I'm sorry to hear of your mum's diagnosis. 

    Caring for a parent with terminal cancer is agonising in so many ways. My Dad was diagnosed with a cancer re-occurance in September 2022 (we thought he was cured) and my mother and I cared for Dad in the 8 weeks we had from diagnosis to him passing away. 

    Prior to being given that devestating diagnosis I was working full time and my parents lived five minutes down the road. Life changed forever when we were given that news and I dropped everything and moved in with them to provide support. 

    My Dads only symptom of the advanced cancer was back pain and upon finding out it was cancer the GP prescribed morphine which sent him agitated and it was the start of a rapid decline in health. Dad wouldn't make sense and would say that mum and I were not looking after him and it was very confusing and frustrating as we never left his side. We got little support from services like district nurses until later on so it was a case of trying to manage dad's medication and care ourselves. 

    Prior to diagnosis Dad was incredibly active and he had a great mind. I was trying to work from their house initially but would wake up in the night several times as he would be up and wandering around but he was unsteady on his feet and it wasn't safe. Mum and I would try and reason with him to go back to bed but he often wouldn't listen. He was in pain but also refused to take his medication even when the morphine  was swapped out. I would sit for up to an hour trying to convince him to take his medicine as he was in pain but he wouldn't want to take it.  It was exhausting. 

    Those 8 weeks that we had with Dad was the most acutely stressful situation I have ever experienced. I took a break from work to focus fully on him but I don't really know how I got through it, but you do. It's agnosing to watch someone you love so much decline and you can't do anything to fix it but it's worse for the person who has lost their independence. 

    I know people say to make memories in a loved ones final months and weeks but what they don't tell you is that it can be messy and difficult. I would get frustrated with my dad sometimes because he wouldn't listen and then feel guilty that it wasn't going as smoothly as I thought it should.

    I don't feel qualified to give any advice but make sure you look after yourself too. It is easy to become so focused on your loved one that you completley neglect yourself in the process and then you are no good to anyone. I was with my dad everyday in his final weeks and when he passed away in hospice. I know that made him feel loved and safe and I know I did my best for him at the time. 

    Xx

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