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Mum diagnosed with terminal cancer

libbyha
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Hi all,

 

Earlier this week we got the horrible news that my Mum has terminal cancer. Over the last two years she has beaten cancer twice; having one tumour in her bowel removed and then a hysterectomy to remove a tumour in her womb eighteen months later. She went back for a check-up scan in March and they've now told her that the cancer has spread and she has it in multiple places, including her liver. We don't know exactly how long she has as it depends on the results of her biopsy. In her latest meeting, her doctor said it could be a year.  She's also hesitant about the radiotherapy/chemotherapy route as she would prefer quality over quantity (which I completely understand). 

 

My Mum is handling it incredibly well and is being very practical and upbeat. She's organising for all of our family to get together for a holiday next month and trying to get things sorted so it's not chaos when the time comes.

 

I want to be strong and supportive but I'm struggling so much. I'm 23 and my Mum really is my best friend, I phone her everyday, we spend most weekends together and for most of my life it's just been me and her. Trying to imagine a life without her is impossible. Everyday I think of something else that she won't be around for; she won't be at my wedding, she won't meet my kids or my husband, she won't see me move into my first flat, etc. My Dad has been ill for some time and so I think I have always half-expected that he might not see those things, but I never imagined my Mum wouldn't be here for them.

 

I would love to help her plan things and get organised but in reality all I want to do is hide under my duvet and pretend none of it is real. I'm just so angry too, life just goes on and most of the time I feel like I'm falling apart. I look at friends my age and I can't help but feel it's unfair that my Mum, Dad and step-Dad have all had cancer in the last five years but none of them have ever had to deal with their parents being seriously ill in any way. It sounds horrible and of course I would never wish it on anyone but the unfairness of it makes me want to scream. 

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    Hi Libbyha,

    A very warm welcome to our forum.

    I am so sorry to hear of your mum's diagnosis, This must be especially hard for you to cope with at such a young age, especially when your dad and step-dad are also dealing with cancer.

    I lost my own mum to secondary breast cancer, which had spread to her brain, bones, lungs and liver. It was not an easy journey and I don't envy you having to go through it. All I can say is, that we find the strength to see it through. It sounds as if your mum is an incredibly strong person, as it is not easy to be practical and upbeat in such a  tragic situation. However she is right to do this, life is too short for regrets. I am sure that your heart is breaking, but the best thing you can do for her, is to step up to the mark and help her to fulfil all of her wishes before she passes.

    This is the time to make whatever memories you can, whilst you mum is able to. Talk about things and don't leave anything left unsaid. I agree that it does seem so totally unfair to see your contemporates carrying on their lives, totally oblivious to the nightmare that you are going through, but few of us get dealt an even hand in life.

    Try not to look at the bigger picture just now. Take things a day at a time, or even an hour at a time, if need be.

    Please know that we are always here for both of you and keep in touch.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

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    Hello Libbyha, 

    My mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer a year ago and I really feel for you - especially as you are in your twenties, I was in my mid thirties. Big hugs.

    The main thing I can say is for me the worst thing was finding out - I had very bad emotional shock and couldn't imagine life continuing without my mum at all. I found the first two months very difficult. But actually the weeks got easier and we did go on to make many happy memories. Hopefully you still have lots of time. Hang on in there my friend and you will start to see a way through. If you need to take a bit of time off work and lie in bed with tea and plain toast for a bit just do it, that's what I did. Then when you feel a bit stronger try to focus on all the living your mum still has to do.

    I also found some of the dead parent club podcasts helpful as well as grief cast - tried to learn a bit more about anticipatory grief, which is whst you are dealing with.  It's totally normal. And of course it's completely unfair and that sense of unfairness won't ever go away really - but you'll learn to handle it.

    Final thing I would say is we went to Maggies which helped a lot. There is a lot of support out there. It's a hard journey but there will be some good times along the way.

    Xxxx

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