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Abusive terminally ill husband

pip22
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Hello, I am currently taking time off work to care for my husband who had pancreatic cancer and was given a prognosis of 3-6 months without chemo. He has had a course of chemo and this has given him more time maybe up to a year. 

The problem for me is not only coping with his illness but he is so verbally abusive towards me. He calls me names, puts me down, shouts continuously at me, emotionally blackmails me and makes out I have done or said something when I haven't. I find this treatment exhausting but I know he is ill although he was able to get about until the last few weeks of chemo. He is just starting to have more energy now it has stopped. I am struggling to cope with this treatment and everyday there is an argument over nothing and he becomes really angry. What do I do? I had left him before as his temper and verbal abuse was increasing, so it's not new behaviour just more intense and vicious. 

I can't leave a dying man can I? 

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    Hello pip22 and a warm welcome to Cancer Chat, 

    I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and that your husband has been verbally abusive towards you. You are doing amazingly well having taken time off to look after him which can't be easy especially given the way he is treating you at the moment. You have done the right thing in coming here and reaching out to others on the forum. Dealing with cancer can be a difficult time for both the patient and their loved ones and sometimes you need to talk to others who understand.

    It's important to recognise that domestic abuse isn't always about violence, it can also include emotional, verbal abuse and coercive behaviour. You can read more about this and find helpful information on the Government website. It goes without saying that your husband's diagnosis is not your fault, it is sad that he is terminally ill with pancreatic cancer but you're doing your very best to support him during this difficult time. 

    If you are based in the UK, you might like to call the National Domestic Abuse helpline for a chat, they are available on freephone 0808 2000247, or you can contact them directly from their website. Their expert advisers offer confidential, non-judgmental support 24 hours a day 7 days a week. 

    You might also find it useful to talk to someone at Relate about the difficulties you are having in your relationship and how much his behaviour has affected you over the years. They offer a range of digital and telephone counselling services which you might find useful. And finally, I wanted to give you the link to a charity called Refuge, they have useful information on their website.

    As a cancer charity this isn't our area of expertise but I hope this helps in some way. The forum is always here for you whenever you need it and I hope that you will hear from other forum members who have been in this really difficult situation before and that they will share their experience with you.

    Best wishes, 

    Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hello,

    So sorry to read what you are going through,  it sounds like a difficult situation and you will be experiencing many conflicting emotions.

    Unless others have been through similar situations then they often fail to understand why people stand by others who abuse them, physically,  mentally or emotionally. 

    Although I don't condone abusive behaviour of any kind, it is possible that the medication your husband is receiving is exacerbating his behaviour.

    My sister was on steroid medication during her final months and became intensely angry at times, often saying terrible things. Fortunately we were able to work through that stage but it felt extremely isolating at the time as no one warned me of the side effects of her medication.

    I later discovered that others had also experienced the same from dying relatives, so please be assured you are not alone.

    It sounds as though your husband has a difficult personality and is used to being in control. He has lost control of everything now and will be taking it out on the one person who cares for and loves him the most -you.

    It is essential that you look after yourself as well as I'm guessing you look after others. Make sure you retain  a good support network- speak to your doctor and someone else that you trust.

    You sound like a lovely person and I hope that you are able to work through this difficult time without feeling as threatened and isolated.

    Is hospice care a possibility? It may help your husband to accept the inevitable and more importantly, reduce the stress and fear you must be experiencing.

    Please speak with your doctor about the options available- it is imperative you are supported.

    Above all please know you have nothing to feel ashamed of- many women are in similar situations and it is not a reflection on you.

    Take care x

     

     

  • Offline in reply to Here2Help

    Hi, thank you so much for your reply. You have offered some great advice thank you. 

    Unfortunately, the situation has gotten worse and he now wants a divorce and will only speak to me through solicitors. He is accusing me of only staying with him so I get the pensions and house, etc. It is all so over the top and nasty. He needs help but won't accept any. I really don't know what to do. He tells me  he hates me and I am making his life hell. 

    It's all so sad as this time should be about supporting each other but he cannot see that. 

  • Offline in reply to pip22

    Hi there,

    Sorry to hear the situation has deteriorated further.

    Although it sounds as though you will be safer living apart please seek advice from your own solicitor before moving out.

    If you have been married a number of years you will have certain rights and it is important you are aware of these to avoid financial loss.

    He sounds like a narcissist and unable to accept his terminal diagnosis.

    Please seek advice from a counsellor and/or solicitor.

    Best wishes x

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