Hi Amilie,

I'm so very sorry to read about the torturous time you're going through. Watching someone you love who is so full of life slowly decline before your eyes is unbearably painful. It sounds like you have a huge amount on your plate and by checking in everyday and seeing your dad 4 times a week, all with a broken leg and a new job! - that doesn't sound uselessat at all, quite the opposite. I think it's so easy to get wrapped up in thinking we're not doing enough, when in fact often the best thing you can do is be present for your loved one who is going through this - and it sounds like you're doing that as best you can. Try not to compare yourself to your sister, everyone deals with trauma so differently which makes it so easy to feel guilty about things, when in fact, everyone is just doing anything they can to stay afloat.

Anticipatory grief is so real and of course the idea of planning a wedding must seem crazy right now so it makes sense why you've put it on hold. I know it's so hard, but try to focus on the present day and not dwell too much on a lost future as it will likely take aware from focusing your energy on the precious time you have with your dad - who is still very much here. 

It sounds like you really need to talk about what's happening - often with friends you have to take the initiative and start the conversation yourself, as often well intentioned people wrongly assume you don't want to talk about it or that it will upset you. If that doesn't work, maybe consider finding a therapist so that you have an outlet for how you're feeling. Talking is so important.

I'm 33 and my 67 yr old mother died 5 months ago in a very shocking and short time period so I really do understand how you're feeling. That period of decline is absolutely brutal for everyone and although life without my mum is incredibly painful, my family and I have found support, hope and love along the way in unexpected places and I really hope that for you too.