Hi Cassandragood,

A very warm welcome to our forum.

I am so sorry to hear about your sister's cancer. It is hard to see anybody go through this, but particularly somebody who is so young. Many of us feel pretty helpless at this stage, but all you can do is to offer your sister all the love and support that you can. I am delighted to hear that you both have good husbands and between you all, you could probably also help out with household chores, shopping, washing and ironing, cooking, cleaning, dropping and picking up her children, etc. 

It is hard for anyone to suffer the death of a loved one, but try not to worry about this until it happens. This is the time that you can make as many memories as you can with her own children as well as your family. It is always helpful to be able to look back in years to come and to remember happier times.

There are booklets on how to tell children, or you can get advice from her care team or from a counsellor. I am sure that her passing will leave a massive hole in all of your lives, but children are more resiliant than we sometimes give them credit for. It is always a good idea to notify the children's teachers of what is happening, so that they can look out for any changes in the them. There are also a number of different organisations that can help, whether it is with counselling or support.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on. We are always here for you.

Praying for you all.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Cassandragood

I am so sorry for what you are going through, I unfortunately remember the feeling of dread and helplessness all too well.  My sister died from breast cancer 13 years ago at the age of 44.  She had been fighting for 3 years and her son was 7 years old when she died.

All I can say is that children do cope better than we expect at times.  My brother-in-law and nephew both saw a counsellor both before and for a few years after my sister died, it helped them both a lot to come to terms with their loss and helped them build a really solid relationship together, they are more like best friends than father and son.

For yourself, make those memories now that you can treasure in later years, but also if your sister wants to talk about what is coming, please be brave and be there to discuss and help make plans with her.  My sister was still trying to protect me, 'her little sister' from the fear of her death, so whilst she was alive we didnt have those frank conversations, which i still regret to this day.

My mum has recently died from cancer, this time from diagnoses to death, we talked about all of our hopes and fears openly, i also told my mum that i loved her everytime i left her, just in case it was the last time i saw her.  Even though I am grieving for my mum, I have no regrets or things i wished that i had said.

Just take one day at a time, enjoy your time with your sister and try not to think too far into the future, sometimes i used to find myself so worried and scared by the thought of her dying, i would miss out on the joy of still having her in my life at that moment.

God bless you.

Marie

Thank you this advice really help and sorry for you losses of both loved ones, I said tonight that I loved her she was sleeping but still if she listening she still knows, I have lost all my grandparents but feel it's a totally different I was close to my gran adored her but it so different, with children and a younger person who is not going to be able to full fill life in general, I was never the best sister growing up but our son are 9 months apart and she has held my hand and got closer and closer, I moved away and she moved up the road about 4 years ago, I am so pleased that she did, how is both you brother in law and nephew now with life, did you all get help and grief counciling including yourself, my brother in law is starting the ball rolling for counciling for him and the boys, but I also would like somehelp as have suffered with depression and high emotion in the past, I hope life is going ok for you and you yourself find strength to cope with life, as I know it will be the same but was easier to do with grandparents it's a different life I have seen as growing up. Thank you again x

Thank you Jolamine, that has help the say focus on the postive and doing memories hoping to spend saturday with my mum and sister and our boys for Christmas I made a 9 piece photo frame of my sister with all her friend family full of memories which her husband thank me again for, but she is still doing chemo with expectation as the moment but the way she is declining isn't given me hope. When she is on her well days is there anything of memories making ideas that you have that I could do please

Many thanks Cassandra 

Hi Cassandra,

What you can do, may already be limited by your sister's health. Can she still get out and about to see a special friend, family member or place? If she can't, can you get someone that she would like to see to come to her? Can you arrange a family outing or get together,either with or without the children? I am sure that they will hold on to memories afterwards and you don't want these to be of her last days. Even playing a game or watching a film with the right company, can be special. Have you asked her whether there is anything that she would particularly like to do? She may have a desire to do something that you haven't even thought about.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

You are right, it does feel so different when its an older person that is potentially dying, i know for me it was the thought of my sister not seeing her son grow up that broke me every time i thought about it.   We had also been on a 3 year rollercoaster of emotions, she originally had operations, chemo and radiotherapy, thought that she had beat it for 12 months, then scan showed it in liver and lungs, chemo again, but after 3 months her heart could no longer take the strain of chemo, then she had palliative care, all of that time you are deperately hoping that she will be ok.

My nephew and brother-in-law have a good life, they live in canada (my sister did too before she died, so i didnt get too spend as much time with her before she died as i would have liked, managed to get there 4 days before she passed).

I didnt get any counselling, but i have a very good friend that also lost her only sister, so i always had her on hand to talk too, which helped so much.  People say that they understand how you feel, but unless they have lost their only sibling, they cant know how you feel like you have lost a limb, by them not being in your life anymore.  I wont lie and say that you ever get over the loss, but you do learn to live with it and are gradually able to remember the good times that you had together, the memory of cancer and treatment does fade somewhat.

It is good that your sister is still having chemo and fighting, you will see from this forum that there are plenty of people living with cancer, 'incurable' and 'untreatable' are two very different things, they do get that extra time with their families.  Luckily people like my sister or my mum, who the treatment either doesnt work for or actually damages their body too much, seem to be in the minority these days.

I wish you and your sister well and if you ever need to chat, i am usually on here.

Best wishes

Marie

 Hi Marie,  

Back from the hospital today after her first round of it chemo , with lots of high risk due the stage she at, I it has got worse we're now at palliative care stage and hoping she go into the hospice for the remainder if any lifeleft, I think the chemo has not work all the treatment was not the right ones ( so many different treatments) but you can never say the hospitals or oncology department have not tried there best including my sister oh how she is fighting but I thinks it's days now who can say, but really appreciated your help and advice really has helped and also know that people have the same experience it does help, we are all going to get council, my nephews need to see other children that have lost there mum and my brother in law needs to know other widow husbands which thankfully he does have a college at his work who lost his wife last year and he has children too, I have keep it together today me my mum brother in law and nephews all went to the hospital today too see her, hardest day of my life so far, trying ourselves as adults to understand let alone my nephews , and my mum getting upset never have I ever seen her cry today I did that was hard but instead of me being my emotional mess, I have been accepting it , I knew in my gut this was our last Christmas together, I knew that the girls hoilday in April she wouldn't be around  to come, but you never say never and still have a glimpse of hope it could be the chemo she may change over night , I don't know but I have been grieve sence her metallics diagnosed from the breast to the bone June last year, any way, I am glade you brother in law and nephew are doing ok and you get use to your new normal I do wish you all the luck for the future and peace.

Kindest regards 

cassie x

Hi Cassandragood, I'm so sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this. It's so difficult when there's such young children involved, but it sounds like you have an amazing family around you who can help them through it. I know it's not the same as we were older, but myself and my brother and sister lost our dad when we were 24, 23 and 20 respectively, and our mum when we were 28, 27 and 24. Our mum also battled breast cancer, diagnosed when she was 45, had 5 years thinking she'd beaten it before she found out it had spread to her bones, then liver and everywhere else before dying 3 years later at 53. The things that got us all through it was the wonderful family support, as well as that my mum was such an amazing person. Even tho it will be hard her boys will still need to talk about their mum a lot, and we always make a point to mark in a small way what should have been happy times, what should have been my mum's 60th, anniversaries etc. If your sister is still able, maybe get her to think about memory boxes for the boys. As we were a bit older my mum did the "grandma box" where she made toys and paintings for her future grandchildren, so that it feels as if she's still a huge part of our lives even tho she died 12 years ago. Her 6 grandchildren will often talk about grandma Glenys even tho they never met her, and it then feels as if she's still there if you know what I mean. 

Thinking of you all

Unfortunately the cancer got her, she had a drain put in her for the liver fluid build up on the 11th of Jan was admitted on the 12th was told on 15th that there was no hope left admitted to the most amazing hospice on the 17th and died early morning on the 21st both me and my mother was with her she look so peaceful my brother in law and nephews were with her 3 nights and days and made thing with my sister she make me feel comforted when said I am at peace with the world on the Wednesday evening with some of friend wine and music she had a little party, but it's not far now two very confused boys and a very numb sister and brother in law lost but I know we find a different norm and my amazing sister that glued us all together has left a little in our hearts to start repairing and to learn its ok to feel this  and to have an amazing Christmas and memories is what we'll have and each out xxx