Hi

I am in a similar position, caring for my mum at home with my dad helping. We have got a palliative care contact in the community that has given us a lot of advice.  She told us that when mum gets 6-8 weeks from the end, they can help set up carers & nurses to come in to help.  This comes from the NHS budget not the council.  Talk to your dads gp to see what is available.  You sound like you have got a great supportive family, your spending time with your dad and loving him doesnt have to change, but if you have got some help with the daily intimate care side of things, it maybe easier.  Your dad may also prefer that side of care to come from a stranger than from family.  I know that my mum really stuggles emotionally with the fact that i have to change her at times, it doesnt worry me at all, i am happy to do what i can to keep her comfortable, but she never wanted this for her daughter.

Hi Marie54

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I'm really sorry to hear about your mum. I hope she's comfortable and not in any pain.

That's very true what you say that loving dad doesn't have to change if we got someone in to help with his intimate care, and also that he may prefer it from someone else who he's not emotionally connected to. I'm just not sure how timings would work if they came at a set time each day as there isn't much of a pattern for when Dad is asleep or awake but I guess we'd just need to talk to them about that, they must have experienced it many times with other people.

I'm so very sorry that you are going through this too, I hope you and your dad are ok (as much as you can be under the circumstances) and keeping your strength up. Thank you again, take care x

Hi Dc03,

A very warm welcome to our forum.

I am sorry to hear that you are in this difficult situation. We struggled with caring for my mother-in-law for 6 years, as my father-in-law, who was 97, wanted to look after him herself. When it all became too much for him, we eventually got carers coming in 3 times a day. By that time, she was sleeping a lot. We never really knew what time the carers would arrive at. If mum was asleep, they would change her, freshen her up, turn her, etc and then she would just go straight back to sleep. 

There was a lot of additional washing to attend to and the sourcing of other things to make her more comortable. This gave us the time to attend to these, whilst the carers were in and gave us more time for hugs and cuddles, instead of seeing to her ablutions. We also bought a portable hair washing basin and the carers were able to wash her hair in bed, which was a great treat for her.

If your dad needs care at night, Marie Curie nurses can come in to give the family a chance to get some sleep. Do please have a chat with your GP and see what can be set up. We spoke to a social worker on the Friday and everything was in place by the Monday, including a hospital bed. We also got district and practice nurses coming in occasionally and they left us with a supply of medication for end of life care.

Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hello Jolamine

Thank you for your thoughts on this and for your time to reply to me. Sadly my Dad passed away in the early hours of Christmas Day morning but we are so thankful that he was with us at home and we were all with him to the end. I'm so very thankful too that he was so peaceful and not in any pain at all, the District nurses came a couple of times during his final day and ensured that he had the medications he needed to just drift into a deep sleep for a few hours before he finally left us. 

I really wish I'd found this forum sooner,  you are all so supportive to each other through the most awful of times.

Wishing all of you the very best, and thank you again

Debra xx

Dera Debra,

I am so sorry to hear of your Dad's passing and offer you and your family my sincere condolences. I am glad to hear that he had a peaceful passing and that you were all with him at the end. There is never a good time for this to happen, but, for it to happen on Christmas Day is so unfortunate.

You probably feel relieved that he is no longer suffering, but sad that he has gone. Your grieving will have started some time ago, when you knew what the outcome would be, but I hope that happier memories will come to the fore as those of his last days begin to fade.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx.

Thank you so much Jolamine, it is a real mix of emotions, sometimes I think I'm ok but then without warning I'm in floods of tears again, but then that's normal for grief I suppose.

Thank you again, take care

Debra xx

Hi Debra,

Unfortunately, this is perfectly normal. How is you mum coping? You will find it helpful if you can all continue to talk about your dad, remembering happier times. This is all still very new and raw and, no matter how well prepared you think you are, it still comes as a terrible shock. You will always hold a place in your heart for your dad. It is better to cry than to try and bottle things up.

You may find in time, that having a nice photo of him in a prominent place, might help. I used to talk and cry to a photo of my mum and, crazy as this sounds, I found that it helped me.

There are no rules for how long grief takes, just take things day by day and you will get there eventually. 

Thinking of you,

Jolamine xx

Hi Debra,

When we lost my mother-in-law, she annd my father-in-law had been together for 80 years. He was 97 by then and totally lost without her. I am glad to hear that you and your brother are able to stay with your Mum, as it will take her some time to get used to being on her own.

I hope that you are coping with all the arrangements that have to be made. 

Wishing you peace, comfort, courage, and lots of love at this time of sorrow.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you so much Jolamine, there is something so precious to spend a whole lifetime together, both for my parents and your parents-in-law. These quiet, beautiful love stories...

Thank you again for your kind words and thoughtfulness xxx