Hi Em , I do exactly the same , people keep saying you can't really be ok can you ? But for me I don't know what else to do , my partner is 58 stage 4 pancreatic cancer now suddenly becoming very ill, lost 4 stone since May , oncology team are ok but communication appalling , needs urgent palliative chemo but " full at moment ". Every single night and some days for last 3 weeks has vomited non stop ( sounds awful but bucket fulls ) had a quick admission to oncology ward for intravenous fluids , ct scan showing cancer now spreading to outside intestines and pressing them together , steroids not working so palliative chemo only option when they can fit him in !!! I'm literally watching the man I love disappear in front of my eyes , talk on here hun , I hide my distress from him , family and work colleagues , I honestly don't know how to cope seeing someone you love suffering is the worst pain I have ever endured xxx put your feelings down in chat xxxx take care xxxx

Hey,

I'm so sorry to hear about your/your mothers situation, and I understand completely what you're feeling.

My dad got diagnosed about two years ago now, lung cancer. They decided they could try to operate and there was many complications during the surgery, but we got the all clear! It wasn't until 8 weeks later his pain came back and I think we knew internally what that meant, but our worst fears had been confirmed and it had infact come back and spread like wildfire. After his first bout of chemo, he then suffered a heart attack and has now been told there are no treatment options available. Every night he is vomiting, he can't speak full sentences without getting out of breath and he is mentally and physically drained. 
 

I understand how heartbreaking it is, especially trying to stay strong for others whilst you're breaking inside. How much of a toll it takes both mentally and physically. 
 

The anger, loneliness and even the feeling of being lost are normal. I'm sure anyone on this forum could agree. Your feelings are very much valid.

Some days/weeks you'll be doing fine (no tears!), and other nights it can feel like you're drowning. It can be overwhelming. 
 

Remind yourself you're doing your best, and it's okay to have these moments when you need to shout or cry or scream; whatever it is to make you feel a little bit better and help at that moment. Please understand that it's great to support others, but you are entitled to that support too. Reach out to someone if you need it and feel like it may help, please remember your health matters too (mental health included here).

Take each day as it comes, and cherish the moments you have.

Your mum sounds like a fighter. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Hollie

Hi its rubbish isn't it. I just want someone to tell me everything is going to be OK. I normally go to my mum when things are bad to get her reassurance and love and now it's my mum who has cancer and I want to be strong for her. But I'm rubbish at it I just want to run away and cry in the corner. Finding it so hard to be positive. I'm terrified of losing her. Trying to be positive when I'm with her and then bawling when out of sight. So reading your post helps me to feel it must be normal and we aren't alone in this x