Hello, I don't really know where else to turn. My mum is dying in a hospice and I feel so alone. She's my last living parent. I'm 29yo but single, and I know her biggest concern is that she's leaving me behind on my own. The relief she now feels because I've told her all is well.
But it's not. Im completely failing at work. I spend my lunchtimes alone crying in my car and much of the night crying at home alone. But that's no what I tell mum. I tell her im doing brilliantly, even naming some of the colleagues and making up happy stories of my time with them, when in reality, not a single one of them like me.
Im struggling financially but I tell mum im doing so well, saving up for a deposit for my house.
I talk to her about how her dog has adjusted to life with me and is having the time of his life, when in reality he's been very unwell and the vet said it would be kinder to euthanise him as he hasn't responded to treatment. I love this dog so much, I don't know how I'm going to cope when mum passes without him.
I could go on and on. I know I shouldn't lie, but my mum is relieved and reassured and subsequently, she seems to at peace. She's passing away thinking her only child is secure, successful and happy.
My heart is shattering more and more as I watch her fade away a little more everyday. Yet selfishly, there is nothing more in the world to breakdown and unload everything that is crushing me onto her and having her hold me and tell me it will be okay. Of course, I will never do this, but everything has become unbearable.
Is there anyone out there in a similar situation? I feel so alone.
