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My dad got diagnosed a week ago

Sarah0208
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Hi, I'm new to the site. 

So on the 11th Nov my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer (spread to the spleen, collarbone and lymph nodes). He had his biopsy yesterday, and it's 2wks until he sees the consultant. 

I'm really struggling as I try to understand and avcept both my parents feelings - my dad is carrying on like everything is the same, my mum is worried about how she'll cope financially when my dad passes.... And me? I'm wanting to make every moment count and worried for my children (my parents have asked that I don't tell them yet and I'm trying to respect their wishes). 

I'm worried that my dad has maybe months left (he's been losing weight unintentionally for a while, another 5lb in the last week, is more tired than usual and his pain seems to be increasing). He wasn't in the best health before (early 60s, history (last 5yrs) of STEMI, TIA, COPD, T2DM etc. 

How do I care for someone who wants to pretend it's not happening? It's not that I expect every conversation to be cancer-centred but I want to make the most of the time left... My dad said to me the other day that people live with stage 4 for over 5yrs sometimes so doesn't see the need to make changes or rush into telling the grand children (eldest two are in secondary school and see him a few times a week - I'd rather tell them before they notice anymore changes). 

Please would you share your experiences with me?

  • Hello Sarah0208

    I'm sorry to hear about your Dad's diagnosis earlier this week. Undoubtedly this is a difficult time for you all and while he's still waiting on some results and the next appointment with the Consultant, it's a time of uncertainty. Many of our members will understand how difficult this waiting period can be. Hopefully, the appointment in 2 weeks will give you all some more information about your Dad's diagnosis and the outlook. Once he has that information you may find that your Dad is more open to discussing things with your children. 

    There's some useful information on our website about supporting someone with cancer but you may also want to think about chatting with our team of nurses. I'm sure they will be happy to offer any advice and support they can. If you'd like to speak with them they're available Monday to Friday 9 am to 5 pm on 0808 800 4040. 

    If you or your Mum want to talk to someone about finances then I'd suggest getting in touch with the Macmillan financial guidance team who may be able to help with some support. 

    I hope that the appointment next week goes well. Keep in touch and let us know how you get on. 

    Best wishes, 
    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator 

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    Hi Sarah,

    So sorry to hear about your dad. It's hard to take in isn't it.

    My dad was diagnosed earlier this year after having been poorly for around a year prior to that. He too had been losing weight at quite an alarming rate.

    He had much the same reaction as your dad...people can live for years with cancer so why shouldnt I!?

    He managed to carry on like that for about a month, before the tiredness became too much and he needed to accept help. At that point I told my son as it was obvious that his grandad was pretty poorly. I had told him beforehand that his grandad was unwell and having tests, but I didn't reveal the actual diagnosis at that point.

    My dad still insisted that we didn't tell anyone else though, he just wanted to live life without having people fuss about the cancer.

    He was given 2 months to live back in September and we are in the final days now. It's terrifying how quickly he deteriorated but he was too weak for treatment.

    I guess you'll know more once you see the consultant, but if your dad remains in denial regarding any prognosis like mine did, it might help to say to him that sorting finances, making plans for the future etc are for your benefit.

    When I explained to my dad that I would feel less stressed knowing that we had care plans in place (even if they weren't needed for a long time) he relented. 

    I wish you many more happy days with your dad x

     

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