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Can't Stop Asking My Husband If He Is Alright.

VickyM21
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Hi!

This may sound silly but I just cannot stop asking my husband if he is alright and it's causing friction and arguments between us because he assures me he is, but sometimes I'm not buying it. Since he took ill a couple of weeks ago just at the end of his cycle 4 chemo round, I keep thinking there is something wrong with him. The least wee `sigh` he gives or if he `grimaces` when getting up out of a chair I'm there with `what's wrong`? and he says he's fine but can't tell if he is. We got the news on Thursday this week that he has a cancer spread to his pelvis from his bowel and is showing slightly in his lung. This has now got me paranoid that every little sigh, twinge etc I always think something is wrong. He won't actually open up and say if he is struggling so I can't tell and after 36 years of marriage you'd think I would but he can be a bit of a complex character at times. He went to bed last night about 6 after we had an argument over something and nothing and got up again about 8p.m. I had a proper hard sob to myself while he was in bed though. Lots of rows going on with us just now and its usual trivial things. I'm finding it very hard to hold things together and he is the one who seems to be taking it all in his stride. I want to be strong for him but I'm just rubbish and feel an absolute failure. Does anyone else get this. 

 

Vicky

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    Hi Vicky

    I get it, but maybe from your husband's point of view as a cancer patient. I personally wouldn't have wanted a lot of fussing and constantly being asked how I am. If he says he's doing ok when you ask, could you try to just accept it?  I presume he would tell you if he really felt rough? This is very, very difficult for you as the carer as you're watching and listening for every sound and grimace. You're not a failure at all, don't ever think that, and you are coping with a very difficult siruation. You don't need to be strong all the time, and that's not possible for anyone in any case. You will have different ways of dealing with the news. 
     

    I'm married to someone who doesn't open up, but I'm the cancer person, so it's the opposite way round for us which does cause its difficulties too. It can lead to sniping at times, but neither of us want to be doing that so sometimes we both have to bite our tongues! There's no manual for dealing with this, and we all bumble along as best we can, but we've had to go through recurrence with me and it's a really frightening time for both of you. He's dealing with it in his own way, and it's a lot to process, but you need to give yourself a break and be kind to yourself too, because you're doing the best you can. x

     

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