I'm always of the opinion that you should never ever be trapped in a relationship because some in society deem one person's needs more important than the other person's needs. Relationships are based on equality.  Illness, finances and kids shouldn't be used as a means for others to exert dominance over the other person.

The chances are, you won't exit this relationship unscathed as far as escaping the ire of some family and friends, but that can hold true even in the absence of illness. It's just how things go sometimes.

What you do owe your husband, is the truth. No sugar-coating things or glossing over the issues, you need frank conversations, so he has the chance you tell you his side of the story.  Who knows, you may hear things you are oblivious to. Maybe he feels trapped too. When a relationship breaks down, both parties are usually aware of the underlying feeling/issue. Not always, but quite often. what i took from your post, you're talking to your husband like he has an opportunity to fix things, but the overriding message being, the relationship is done. As an outsider, I'm confused too. You need to take a stance and go with it. If that means there's a chance things can improve, then focus on that. If you know in your heart there is no way back, then you have to go that route.

If things aren't too bad, and you still feel some things need to remain as they are, you could always separate, and remain in the house. Not all couples break up and go their separate ways. Some just sleep in separate rooms, and remain there until the kids are older, but they're ultimately living 2 different lives. But only you know the dynamics of the relationship, so only you would know if this is even an opinion. But yeah, life is too short to go wasting it. illness and kids don't change that.

Thank you so much for your support and advice, it's really appreciated.

You're right, I'm holding myself back for fear of how it will look to others ("what kind of person does that" etc). 

I just wish that I could trust he could have all the difficult awkward conversations that are necessary to resolve these things amicably. But he's such an ostrich about everything - cancer included - I don't even know how to start those type of conversations as I don't think we'll get very far. He'll just shut down. 
 

anyway... thank you for your advice. It's much appreciated.

x 

 

Wondering if Maggies might be able to help. You're not the first person to encounter a situation like this. Maggies have both drop-in centres and a national helpline. My take on this is that you need to carefully manage a break-up, if that's what you want, given that you have children who are likely to lose a parent in childhood. Maggie's offer psychological help to both people with cancer and their families. I feel they might be able to offer further insight/support/signposting relevant to your situation. It would be good to know how you get on if you do contact them ... Your feelings are valid, you have a right to live your own life – Maggies won't dispute that, but they should be able to help you with how issues are raised given the additional complication of your husband's cancer and help ensure there is additional support for your children. 

https://www.maggies.org

Thank you!! This is a great recommendation. The kids are at the centre of all this for me. I have to protect them... just can't live a lie anymore...

thank you, very much appreciated x

Oh dear,its an unenviable position you find yourself in,flip the coin and heads say's that your health will continue to worsen, tails point to looking to yourself. l guess you have to have a real hard look at more than your actions, but the consequences, and any that would follow in the years that lay in front of you, both financial, subsequent self regret and how it might effect your children in terms of future resentment.

l am not sure that anyone can give you a direction of travel on this site, not knowing all the intracacies involved, other than to point out that you have a situation where there is damage involved in any choice of decision, only you can know what level any decision on direction, you are able to cope with.

Cancer affects many facets of peoples lives,so thank you for an honest post alluding to what mostly can be a hidden issue. By bringing this out l think you may have taken a big step in resolving this within your own mind, and seeking counsel from your local Maggies centre as RoseStarBlue has suggested is a wise forward move. They are very very good and have great understanding, something you will really be in need of presently.

  Ballet dancing comes to mind , delicately measured steps that navigate a sticky morass, l wish you well in doing so,

                           David

Your post resonates with me personally. My husband was diagnosed with S4 BC in June 2015 and I was already unhappy before the diagnosis. Like you though it would have been very hard to leave both financially and also for my kids (at the time they were 12, 14 and 16 yrs) but over 7 years later they are young adults and if I left now they would never forgive me! I have been living a lie for so long I don't even know what I want anymore. I am older than you having just turned 50 and my hubby is 58. I have worked so hard over the past 7 yrs trying to find the best people out there to treat him, any new therapies, we changed the way we ate and I have been pushed to the side by everyone really as what my hubby is going through seems so much worse than what I have to face. I feel like I have lost him already and have been in mourning for a long time however he is not gone and I feel vey trapped and alone. So - yes I get it - it's bloody hard. Got lots more advice and things to say but as you mentioned have actually never found anyone who feels same way as me. I feel like such a *****! If you are happy I could add you as a friend and then we can chat privately. Let me know x

Hi, I just posted a similar thing here last night.

I have been looking after my husband for 10 years after he had liver transplant. He was getting better but he was acting like forever patient for all these years and I was acting like his carer not his wife, then he has his second cancer (brain tumor, non curable).

I thought this was a wake up call and I looked back my 10 years and I realized I have become nobody.I really want my life and myself back. He was too busy for pitying himself and he didn't look after me at all. From the day 1 of our marriage, I have been his carer and he has been a patient. 

I feel my love towards him is fading every day and I find it's really hard to look after someone without love. I am thinking to leave him which seems only solution to get back myself unless he really tries to understand me and changes. I don't see any hope or sign of him changing unfortunately...

Like you I have been trying to take care myself, doing daily walk, reading books or trying new recipes etc. But as you said, they are only temporary and it doesn't make me feel happy for long time.

I don't have children or mortgage to worry about so my case is probably easier than yours, but if what he wants from you is mainly practical support, he can get it from carer and nurses. 
I contacted palliative care team and told them how I feel. The nurse I saw said I have done more than enough and no one can blame me leaving him. They are working for rehousing, carer's assessment etc now.

Sorry I am talking too much about myself but I want to say I truly understand how you feel. 

Please talk away! That's exactly what this forum is here for and whilst it's sad circumstances I feel so validated knowing there are other people in the same position. What held me back for so long was feeling so isolated/singular but clearly I'm far from unique in this experience.

You've been in this position so much longer than I have so I can only imagine how demoralising and dehumanising it is. And the thing about feeling trapped is it just grows and suffocates you unless you actually change the root cause.

I have to say in the 72 hours since our chat I feel bloody marvellous. Empowered. Sad and nervous of course but for the first time in an age - perhaps ever - I've backed myself and advocated for me. And suddenly I have so much more grace and love for my husband, though it remains resolutely platonic. For me "coming out" like this has solidified that it's the right decision, not made me question myself.

Hope that helps you come to your own decision on things. Clearly it's very early days for me with a long way to go but I definitely don't think I've done the wrong thing in piping up.

x

Unfortunately I understand exactly what you are saying. My hubby was diagnosed 7.5 yrs ago. In all fairness since I have been having therapy I have realised that I have probably "looked after / mothered" him ever since we met! The more time passes the more I realise that I am not doing what I want to do and am not living the life I want to live. I can't leave him - my three adult kids would never forgive me. I so desperately want to move on and have been unhappy for years. 

Always here to chat if you fancy x